Financial bailouts are fine, but what would really rally Wall Street and those on, or skidding towards, skid row is a Three Stooges slapfest! Directed and written by the Farrelly brothers with help from Me, Myself and Irene‘s writer Mike Cerrone.

[Insert long, uncomfortable silence ...]

Hmm … for some reason this news leaves me feeling the opposite of hopeful.

Did I mention the rumored cast includes Johnny Depp as Moe, Sean Penn as Larry, and the role of Curly will go to the winner of an “American Idol-like search?” (PLEASE let that be televised.) Said Peter Farrelly to Variety, “It takes place in present day, and they look, dress and sound exactly like the Stooges. When the economy started turning, we felt like the world could use a Stooges slapfest.” Structured similar to the nose-tweaking trio’s shorts format of the ’20s and ’30s, the PG/PG-13 feature consists of three 25-to-30 minute installments. The Farrellys will stage a second contest to find comic shorts to prelude the main event.

The Farrellys have been writing and pitching their Stooges script to studios since the ’90s, until MGM finally bit. The redo is set to release in November of 2009. None of this bodes too well. Unlike wine, or cheese, movie scripts don’t always improve with age.

And Hollywood’s second takes on silver screen successes — King Kong, The Day the Earth Stood Still — frequently fall far short of first tries. When will movie-makers learn to not fiddle with films that don’t need fixin’ unless they have the talent it takes for a newer and improved reinvention? And how much will we suffer for Hollywood’s hubris? Not to say the Farrellys haven’t flexed their funny muscles in penning There’s Something About Mary, but then there’s the flabby Fever Pitch and the upcoming Walter the Farting Dog (the title says it all), starring … the Jonas Brothers. Why the dog? Isn’t The Farting Jonas Brother cute enough? (It’s a mystery and you have to discover who dealt it, or they all blame Miley.)

Fans of Dumb and Dumberer, might look forward to Dumb, Dumber, and Dumberer. But then doesn’t the Stooges’ charm stem from the contrast of seemingly confident, capable fellows doing dumb things, versus actors going nearly but not quite “full retard?” Can the Farrellys do clever? Wouldn’t the Coen brothers be a better call?

Perhaps award-winning pair Depp and Penn will provide the necessary wit. Hmm … but then again, lately Depp has seemed to have gone over to some Burtonesque dark side with his nightmarish roles. Plus, when was the last time Penn funnied up a film? In their defense there are few parts Penn and Depp can’t play … and play well.

Nevertheless, as we await the Farrelly remake, why not speculate on some alternate medleys (ordered as Moe, Larry & Curly). Interpret my traditionally puny shorts titles as you will:

Cuckoo for Cocoa-Flavored Ganja Puffs
Starring: Paul Rudd, James Franco, Seth Rogen

From Russia With Love Handles
Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Simon Pegg

Bombs Will Be Bombs
Starring: Jason Statham, Shia LaBeouf, Mickey Rourke

Earth, Wind and Fire Ants
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Ben Stiller, Jack Black

2 Male Strippers and an Alien Baby

Starring: Vince Vaughn, John C. Reilly, Will Ferrell

Not Without My Adopted Half-Ape Daughter
Starring: George Clooney, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt

A Nun in the Oven
Starring: Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig

You Can’t Get an Old Dog New Chicks
Starring: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson

Mother Fu*ker May I?
Starring: Samuel Jackson, John Travolta, Bruce Willis

Want to weigh in? Vote or comment below!

Tags: johnny depp, sean penn, the farrelly brothers, three stooges remake