There’s nothing fresher than going back to your own decades-old movies to jumpstart a career — Charlie, Emilio, I’m looking at you! Young Guns 3 isn’t going to star in itself. But Stallone has turned it into an art, and I for one can’t wait to see what’s left in his old, stale bag of tricks.

Stomp! or My Mom Will Shoot:

Nothing spells box office success like “action guy” and “comedy.” Throw in the oldest old lady from Golden Girls (except she was actually the youngest old lady from Golden Girls — it’s really confusing) and you have comedy bronze. So how do you improve on a masterpiece? Throw in trashcan lids and hip-hop dancing, of course. Thanks to all you people who went to see Chicago, the musical is back. And how! Musical theater and action-guy comedy: two great tastes that taste great together.

Victory:

The original was a testament to the power of soccer against the Nazis, costarring Michael Caine as a POW; why not NASCAR against the Khmer Rouge, with Michael Caine as a teenage Vietnamese prostitute? Or hockey against Idi Amin, with Michael Caine as Idi Amin? See, sports = freedom. The possibilities really are endless. And following Sly’s new formula, they wouldn’t even need to change the name! Genius.

Under the Top:

Stallone brought much-needed attention to the dark world of underground arm wrestling with Over the Top. Nothing less than that kind of clear-eyed focus is needed to illuminate the new scourge of American grade schools: thumb wrestling. When a
green, rebellious fourth grader with a golden thumb (and the attitude to match)
crosses the class bully, school janitor Stallone steps in to show the kid the ropes — if he’s got the heart. My fake sources at 20th Century Fox, and I have the best fake sources in the biz, call this one a lock for ’09.

Tango and Cash:

I’m thinking a shot-for-shot remake like Gus Van Sant’s Psycho. Why mess with perfection?

Rhinestone II: Cubic Zirconium:

In the original, Dolly Parton taught Stallone to sing like a country star — and a little bit about love. In the remake, Stallone teaches Rascal Flatts how to sing like country stars — and a little bit about love.

Still Really Staying Alive I’m Serious:
Stallone didn’t star in Staying Alive, the oh-so-necessary sequel to Saturday Night Fever, but he did direct it. Headbands, long-ass dance sequences, and a cheap echo of the Fever strut? This is a film that needs to be revisited. Last time: flashy Broadway spectaculars. This time: Dancing With the Stars. Stallone steps into the Travolta role as Tony Moreno, who comes out of retirement to show that Scary Spice a thing or two. Or Brooke Hogan, or whoever’s on that show now. (Sly’s brother Frank sang on the Staying Alive soundtrack; here’s hoping he’s still available.)