Review: Green Lantern Sinks Like a Stone

Laremy Legel June 17, 2011

Almost as if no one cared enough to tell a coherent story.

Taken as a piece of comedy, Green Lantern isn’t so bad — worth a chuckle, even. But taken as a serious attempt to make an entertaining hero film? Egads. Disastrous. The wheels have fallen off, and can be seen gently tumbling down the hill.

Ryan Reynolds is your typical irresponsible fighter pilot. You know the guy, you probably remember the archetype from Top Gun. This is the type of fellow who speeds down the highway, and yet is always late, so then has to double park his vintage ride right there on the street, like a total miscreant. He’s a foolhardy individual, shunning responsibility, so of course they’ve entrusted him with a one hundred and forty million dollar fighter jet. Don’t act like that doesn’t happen, because it does. It definitely does. And so, in our introduction to Reynolds’ Hal Jordan, we learn that this is a guy who just won’t play by the rules, unless the rules include having rock-hard abs. If those are the rules he’ll play by them all night long.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves, because the green ring hasn’t even chosen Hal yet. The opening scenes start with an expository voiceover on Lantern philosophy and rules, as if the screenplay is already throwing up its hands to say, “Ugh, I give up.” We’re whisked off to the glamorous planet of Ryut where some Green Lanterns are doing Lantern stuff in space suits. They’re under attack! Yeeps, there’s something terrible out there, an awful yellow something of fear, and this guy is almost certainly the bad guy! The angry yellow fellow is named Parallax, though he looks a bit like the “Yellow Bastard” from Sin City. Parallax mocks the doomed Lanterns as they perish, just so you know the type of hombre you’re dealing with, and then we get defeated scriptwriter technique number two.

Six months later…

One can only imagine what Parallax has been up to for the past six months, though I could definitely see a fear-monster of his ilk starting fake wedding registries and buying illegal fireworks across state lines. Such is the level of his nastiness. A new Lantern heads out to challenge him, but it all goes terribly awry, and THIS is how Ryan Reynolds finally gets to become THE Green Lantern, the first human one ever, protector of Earth and overall swell fighter pilot dude.

But first…

We’ve got to see young Hal Jordan strut his stuff. It’s here that the “daddy issues” theme will present itself, a theme that will hammer you over the head, Thor style, until you pledge to understand that Hal Jordan is complicated and troubled. Blake Lively is Jordan’s fellow F-35 pilot (naturally), and they are tasked with dogfighting the newest in robot fighter plane technology, as part of a presentation. They’re employed by a defense contractor, you see. Blake Lively is Carol Ferris (in the movie), the daughter of someone named Mr. Ferris who heads up (or used to head up) Ferris Aero-planes. That established, Reynolds and Lively don their flight suits to duel the robot fighter planes, so they can sell them to the government, so that everyone lives happily ever after off the tax dollar fat of the land. Unfortunately, frickin’ Hal Jordan pulls one of his typical jerk moves, and instead of allowing the robo-planes (patent pending) to shine, he goes out and instead wins the dogfight.

Ugh, men are the worst — amiright, ladies?

This puts the government contract in peril, because who in sam hell would want to buy robot fighter planes that can’t even shoot down a mavericky loose cannon sort of guy? Chances are, should these robot planes ever come up against someone who took their job seriously, they’d be in a whole heap of robot trouble. This whole “winning” thing makes Carol Ferris furious, because it’s just like Hal Jordan to blow a billion dollar defense contract.

So, Hal Jordan, super jerk. Got it. No way this guy finds redemption, eh? And where the heck is that green ring at, anyway?

Flashcut to a doomed alien Lantern crashing on Earth and telling the ring to go choose someone worthy. Sadly, the ring doesn’t want to leave him, so he has to throw rocks at it in order to get it to leave. Whoops, sorry, that was Harry and the Hendersons. No, the ring finds Jordan, and he’s whisked off to Abin Sur’s side (the Lantern who crashed). Sur and Jordan chat for a bit, and then Sur hands over the ring, telling Jordan to grab the lantern out of his spacecraft. And say the oath! It’s handled with all the haphazardness of a first date, which it kind of is, except for the alien dying, plus the whole Lantern angle.

Ryan Reynolds in Green Lantern Now, let’s reflect on what we’ve learned. Jordan is not equipped to be a Green Lantern, that’s been made extremely clear, but we can tell from the posters and title of the film that he’ll likely just have to figure it out. That transformation would make sense as a narrative for a film, and is the momentum behind quality superhero products we’ve seen before, so it’s not the concept that’s so mightily flawed. It’s the execution. The motivation behind the villains, including the yellow fear monster, could have been thought up by a reasonably priced blender. The plot doesn’t flow in the slightest. The whole mess is an extended trailer, or the sound a 10th grader makes when he knows he hasn’t done his homework and the teacher is about to ask him about it. The movie shouts at you the entire time, punishing the audience, but it never says anything remotely important or interesting. Here are some of the key notes the film hits:

Hal Jordan is crazy!

Ugh, can he and Carol Ferris MAKE THIS WORK??!!

This guy just blew a defense contract!

The Lanterns are under attack!

Hal Jordan is now Green Lantern!

He’s afraid!

But he’s also awesome!

Parallax!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Each of these scenes is five minutes, and none of them have much to do with the other. Main characters make sweeping proclamations that don’t relate to anything. At one point we’re told that fear is the enemy, and that Lanterns don’t fear, and then the bad guy comes … and he’s not scary, but the Lanterns are terrified and getting obliterated, and wait, I thought they didn’t fear? The movie wants logic to bend about 12 different ways, and it doesn’t earn any of it. Either the bad guy actually is scary, or the Lanterns actually are courageous, and Hal actually is irresponsible, or he’s not, and just make a decision already.

Hidden Identity! There are also moments where it’s not entirely clear they weren’t making a Waiting for Guffman-style comedy. When Hal Jordan transforms into Green Lantern a little mask appears over his eyes. This is to “protect” his identity. And amazingly, it basically works. I imagine when people starting asking questions about who the Green Lantern was eyewitnesses would say, “He had the hair, height, and facial structure of Ryan Reynolds. But I didn’t get a great shot of his forehead … so really, it could be anyone.” I mean, why bother with a mask that clearly hides nothing? Just skip it altogether or make it a real mask. But don’t show us a cheesy mask and then make it logically effective within the story.

There’s also a character who is introduced to the camera as he’s playing chess. Did they have a meeting where people threw out ways “to make a guy look smart” without having to waste dialogue? Oh, I see. This smarty is playing chess. Better keep an eye on that one, audience! In another scene a villain is put under sedation, wakes up only to hear another character give a speech, before someone shouts, “Keep him under!” Why wasn’t he kept under in the first place? And why did he get to hear the speech before someone gave the order to knock him out again? It’s almost as if no one cared to try hard enough to tell a coherent and engaging story.

Then there’s the issue of scope. We’re told that 3,600 Green Lanterns protect the universe, they have meetings, a code, and a home planet. We’re then informed that the home planet must be protected from Parallax! But why? Why must it? Four seconds ago I didn’t even know this place existed, and now I’m supposed to care if it gets eaten by a yellow fear monster? Again, nothing is earned, no story is told, and everything is handled with the care of a toddler. Knock some buildings over, make a few loud noises, and hope mom comes soon with a bottle. Spoiler alert: she doesn’t.

All of these items (and more!) add up to a big ol’ mess. There’s a scene in the film where Hal Jordan’s friend looks at him, in full Lantern regalia, and giddily exclaims, “You’re a superhero!” Sadly, as an audience with decades of legitimate superhero films under our belt, we can all see the lie in his eyes.

Grade: D

Tags: ryan reynolds, The Green Lantern

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comments

Ken-mentor
fucking awesome review.
Guest
This was a pretty bad ass review
Amwilshire
Love this review. So funny. You rock Laremy!
Ericdelv
Your review is 100x more entertaining than this film.
Rhines
You hit it out of the park, Hitter!
Wally
Definitions:
Review - To write a critical assessment of (a book, film, play, concert, etc), esp as a profession.
Summary - A comprehensive and usually brief abstract, recapitulation, or compendium of previously stated facts or statements.
Learn the difference.
ekballei
Laremy Legel, this is one of the most ridiculous reviews I have ever seen. This movie was written for kids both small and big. Your review demands that it be Shakespeare. “Almost as if no one cared to tell a coherent story” = this is moot. There was a story. Enough to build a movie around, a movie that could be understood by the general public without any prior knowledge of the comic book character it was based on. I went with a group of university students – some are geniuses in the making, others probably shouldn’t be at university. They all got it; some loved it; others thought it was enjoyable; nobody savaged it. The current trend in the press of reviewing this badly is based on a) ignorance of the audience this movie was meant for, b) unbelievable arrogance on behalf of the ‘industry’ – if it can be called that – of movie criticism, and c) mimesis.
“We’re told that 3,600 Green Lanterns protect the universe, they have meetings, a code, and a home planet. We’re then informed that the home planet must be protected from Parallax! But why? Why must it? Four seconds ago I didn’t even know this place existed, and now I’m supposed to care if it gets eaten by a yellow fear monster?” – Oa is basically a giant police headquarters. Do you tend to walk around wondering why they need to be protected? If you’d come into the movie wanting to pay attention, these details that seem lost on you would have been perfectly self-evident. You must be a genius!
Rob_Grizzly
Fact: This is untrue.
http://www.laremylegel.com Laremy Legel
Tough, but fair.
http://twitter.com/Laremy Laremy Legel
I’ll keep these definitions handy, much obliged.
http://twitter.com/Laremy Laremy Legel
Tough, but fair.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Molly-Kuhnz/158200197 Molly Kuhnz
First of all you are an idiot because those guys in the beginning werent lanterns, they were just aliens. They all were the same alien species, and a green lantern wouldnt need to be in a spacesuit
Guest
almost fell asleep too slow
Guest
almost fell asleep too slow
bruce
Ok the whole mask thing you just have to accept. It’s a superhero thing. I mean look at Superman’s disguise: a pair of glasses.
And even though there were some blatantly dumb pieces of writing, I feel like they did almost as good a job as they could. Let’s be honest Green Lantern has a tough to grasp story.
Marciuboy
I enjoyed this movie, way better than Thor. Thor was lame and has good reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, I can’t understand how can this be.
http://twitter.com/MikeCMaxie Mike Maxie
Ehjoyed the film, though maker’s took alot of dramatic license for production sake. Note to Ferris: Top Gun test pilot’s job is to try and break it, to find the flaws. If drone can’t beat putz like Hal, then its not ready.
The Salty Spectre
The “plot” has more gaping holes than a porn set. In the beginning, we assume that Parallax has been weakened since he was imprisoned by Abn Sur. He feeds off of fear? So the Guardians chose to sacrifice the Earth, where 6 billion people reside. 6 billion McFear meals waiting to satiate a fear monster and they do…nothing? Oa has a police force of over 3600 officers and they send a lantern who barely even knows how to use his ring to deal with it? Anyone defending this movie is a blatant idiot and problem wore a helmet taking the short bus to school…
drchad97
I thought the movie was okay. Had some editing issues that lead to some choppy areas of plot, no argument there. This reviewer, however, clearly has no concept or background knowledge of the character, and I would encourage him to steer clear of movies with title characters that have histories people are invested in. Those that know the character, its history, and the major plotlines, including GL’s origin will decide not to take this movie reviewer seriously if he does not write with a like understanding.
http://twitter.com/Laremy Laremy Legel
I don’t think that’s a great argument, because it implies every critique must have perfect knowledge of the source material. This is not the experience of the average viewer, and thus not the typical way the film will be perceived.
http://twitter.com/Discoshrew t one
think the film was definitely mixed, but not as bad as you say. certainly had plenty of issues though. regarding your confusion about how the green lanterns could die out of fear when witnessing paralax, it was because (as Hal explained when they made the yellow ring), everyone has fear, and the point of a green lantern is not to be fearless but to acknowledge it and overcome it. by claiming to be fearless, the green lanterns were in denial of their fear, so they could not face it or defend themselves against it.
http://profiles.google.com/johnshavluk john shavluk
Some of you talk like movies mean something or have some weight in every day life
These reviewers are for people like you…with no abilities to see anything good in..well..anything
As some one who got the movie but also some one there for the first issue of the comic coming out and also keeping in mind IT WAS ONLY A COMIC ..well I enjoyed it although on line it was missing a picture from minute 55 to 59 …LOL
Still as a kid it was nice to finally have a superhero who wasnt a billionaire or just because of a red sun invincible
No I think the types like you should be smart enough to know ahead of time it is probably going to be beneath you and you should just waste your money on the usual getting drunk
People that need critics are the idiots
Al
Good review. In spite of what idiots would say. If a movie is well written, I shouldn’t have to do any research about its characters before I watch in order to care about them. Thor was not lame. In fact, it was a good movie. And that is a fact. Green Lantern, does not impress me to even spend money to see it. Right off the bat, the trailer threw me off. It seems too much. It might as well be written by George Lucas with all that distracting CGI. This was a good review, very entertaining. Quite clever. Unlike some of the speciments that are writing against it.
Lottg1971
Loved the review. Very entertaining… probably can’t say the same about the movie.
Phaathit Komphonphakdy
Ridiculous! Come on you picked on everything, even his disguise! I mean look at all the superheroes & more than half of them don’t wear a mask but we are still to believe ppl don’t know who they are. Wonder Woman & Superman’s face are both openly shown and when they revert back to their civilian suits they just put on a pair of glasses. Hello! i think if was working with someone everyday i can tell the difference between them wearing glasses or not
Legion 7
I laughed out loud at work. Your critique was perfect and gave me something to smile about today. Thank you
On_the_can
I think this review is a little harsh quite honestly. The movie as a whole was far from perfect and when I was watching it I couldn’t help but think of story angles that might’ve made the whole thing gel better…I think the running time was also a little short given the amount of exposition necessary for the plot. And I also thought there were one or two too many Superhero cliches thrown in there given the origin story is actually pretty unique in it’s genre.
Having said all that though the film was fun enough to keep me interested and it certainly wasn’t hard to follow. The review gives every indication that you watched the movie with a malicious intent. Could it be that you didn’t like the trailer for some reason and thus went into this movie with your mind already made up? Because that’s how it reads.
You even criticize the uselessness of his mask and you’d be right if not for the fact that the only characters in the movie that see him up close immediately recognize him…there’s even a joke made about how useless the mask is at hiding his identity. He wears it because it’s part of the comic that it’s based on and they were smart enough to poke fun at it. Lets also not forget either that Hal Jordon’s face would be completely meaningless to anybody who hasn’t previously met him. Nobody’s gonna look at the Green Lantern flying in the sky and say, “why look at that man…he must be a test pilot for the Ferris company.”
I’m not defending this as a great movie…if you disliked it I would’ve had any complaints and would’ve actually been interested to see what you had to say about it and see if you saw the same problems I did…but if you want me to take a review seriously I have to at least be confident that you were looking at the screen while it was playing in front of you.
http://twitter.com/Laremy Laremy Legel
I didn’t see a trailer for Green Lantern. I avoid them as they tend to
change expectations. The scene you’re referring to, when Blake Lively
makes the crack about his cheekbones, was clearly a re-write added in.
You can tell by the choppy editing throughout that this was a film made
by proxy. There’s not much in the way of creative spirit on display
here, and as such defending it only begs more mediocrity.
Boomsticks
He just saved you 15 bucks, thank him.
Boomsticks
I thought Thor was way better than Green Lantern, and since I’m awesome, that means something is wrong with you for disagreeing with me.
R3dkat
Good Review. The problem with this movie is it’s trying to do too much at once. You can tell the writers are really borrowing from other successful superhero movies. Hal Jordan becomes this Frankenstein of contradictions. He has the bumbling awkwardness of Toby’s Peter Parker, the troubled complexity of The Dark Knight and the carefree charm of Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man. The character just doesn’t make sense, they introduce Hal Jordan as a guy who basically has PTSD from seeing his father die right before his eyes in a tragic plane crash – - Fast forward to the present and he is a fighter pilot who freaks out under pressure due to Top Gun inspired flashbacks. All that in mind, the ring CHOOSES him, but why? The movie never establishes what the ring SEES in Hal Jordan. The character never establishes what makes him exceptional and thus deserving of as they put the HIGHEST HONOR in the known universe!
What ruins the story is the writers want to make Hal Jordan cool. In order to make him cool they make him a little bit of a jerk (Robert Downey Jr.) Prime example, at the beginning of the film as he and Carol are working to evade the robot jets, he performs a maneuver that sacrifices his wingman (selfish jerk) and then he climbs to an altitude that causes his plane and the robot jets to stall. He eliminates the robots but sacrifices a multi-million dollar aircraft. It’s a scene right out of Top Gun, he’s Maverick…you know…the cocky pilot that wants to win at all costs and cares nothing for others. The problem? Maverick lost his best friend and THAT changed his jerky attitude. The Green Lantern doesn’t lose anything due to his jerky attitude, he’s rewarded. Not only is he rewarded, he’s propelled to a position of prominence and respect by single handedly defeating the greatest threat to the known universe using rookie abilities without any real indication of how he overcame his own personal fears which he would have needed to do to face a creature that feeds on fear. I found it difficult to root for the character and he was just not likeable. It was more like watching a spoiled irresponsible rich kid who always gets what he wants….get everything he ever wanted, including the girl.
chaff
I think the movie was good because it show how he became green lantern and will give peolpe who don’t no about green lantern old school comic book buff
Bmefml
There were huge plot holes in this movie. First off if the Guardians are this amazing species, but couldn’t handle the power of fear why would they entrust Sinestro to make a yellow ring? This was just a crappy way to set up for Green Lantern 2. If you were in to comics, you were probably waiting the entire movie for him to turn evil. If you aren’t a comic fan you probably were wondering what Sinestro was even in the movie for.
Also Parallax’s powers were so undefined. It seemed like he could just suck your soul out of your body if you had fear. That makes a crappy movie villain because the whole battle just had to be fought in Reynolds head. This was the worse superhero movie I’ve ever seen.
http://www.3demitter.com/ 3D TV
Green Lantern was a total waste of money. What was Hollywood thinking. My prediction is the green Lantern will end up in the walmart clearance bin in a month.
Fhhh
Sarcasm, not criticism. “Rock-hard abs”–that’s supposed to be a cinematic failing?