I’m no doctor, but I’ve just discovered a new condition.

Remake Rage.

Symptoms include outrage at movie studios that find no film sacred; disgust for directors who think they can improve some of our greatest movies; and a feeling of helplessness as you are powerless to stop any of it.

I know this condition because I have it.

You can’t go to the movies without running into a remake. All the King’s Men, The Wicker Man and Superman Returns are in theaters now. Earlier this year we had The Omen, Poseidon and The Pink Panther. Last summer I thought I was in remake Hell with War of the Worlds, Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and The Bad News Bears.

Now I’m not an idiot. I know remakes are SOP in Hollywood, especially for horror films. So new and improved versions of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Hills Have Eyes don’t set off my remake resentment. And I’m okay with planned do-overs of The Hitcher, Halloween and Friday the 13th.

I also don’t have a problem with old TV shows being made into movies. I don’t think they count as remakes. In fact, I’m kind of curious to see how Land of the Lost, The Munsters and The Six Million Dollar Man turn out on the big screen.

I’ll even admit some movies should be remade. King Kong was a special effects showcase when it was first made in 1933 and again in 1976, so why not give it a 21st century makeover with state-of-the-art digital effects?

No, what really sets off my cinematic acerbity is when they remake classic films, or movies that are so recent, the original actors could still star in them (and sometimes DO).

Take a look at some of rumored remakes that might be coming soon to a theater near you.

• The Birds Two hours of digital birds pecking out people’s eyes. That’ll be movie magic. I can’t wait.
• The 39 Steps Another Hitchcock counterfeit. Didn’t they learn anything from Van Sant’s Psycho?
• The Bad Seed They pretty much remade this movie in 1993 with The Good Son starring Macaulay Culkin, but I guess the rip-off version wasn’t enough for Hollywood.
• The Dirty Dozen Telly Savalas didn’t have many great movie roles, but this was one of them. Kojak is probably turning in his grave.
• Fahrenheit 451 At what temperature does the film used to shoot a remake combust?
• Mary Poppins Apparently Steven Spielberg isn’t satisfied remastering his own movies. Julie Andrews’ umbrella will be replaced by a walkie-talkie.
• Oh, God! Who are they going to find to play God who will be better than George Burns? (Do NOT say Morgan Freeman!!!)
• The Wild Bunch Okay, I know the groundbreaking violence in this movie doesn’t hold up to today’s standards for blood and gore, but can’t they just leave well enough alone?
• Witness for the Prosecution Let me guess. They’ll promise a “surprise ending,” with a twist that “you’ll never guess,” unless of course you’ve “seen the original.”
• Gaslight Are they going to paint a mustache on the Mona Lisa next?
• Sleuth Lawrence Olivier and Michael Caine brilliantly tried to outwit each other in the original. Now Caine is actually starring in the remake in Olivier’s role. I wish he’d just make Jaws 5 instead.
• Easy Rider I think Dennis Hopper summed it up best when he got wind of this remake. “I feel shitty.”