Our spies have once again discovered raw, uncensored footage of a pitch meeting held in Los Angeles, the result of which was the movie Grown-Ups, which opens June 25. Our spies are strangely prolific when it comes to finding this sort of thing.

Here is the film’s trailer:

And here is:

The Pitch Meeting for Grown-Ups

DENNIS DUGAN: Good afternoon, gentlemen! I don’t know if you’re familiar with my work, but my name is Dennis Dugan, and I have made a career out of directing films in which Saturday Night Live alumni speak in funny voices and fall down.

STUDIO EXEC #1: Familiar with your work?! The only thing I’m more familiar with than your work is the sound of my laughter when I’m watching your work!

STUDIO EXEC #2: Happy Gilmore, Beverly Hills Ninja, Big Daddy, The Benchwarmers…

STUDIO EXEC #3: “What are the greatest movie comedies of all time, Alex?”

(All laugh merrily.)

DENNIS DUGAN: Well, thank you, I appreciate that. I’ve got a new project today that I hope you’ll be interested in. It would be a comedy starring Adam Sandler –

STUDIO EXEC #1: Sold!

STUDIO EXEC #2: Here’s 50 million dollars!

STUDIO EXEC #3: Have it ready by June!

DENNIS DUGAN: Don’t — don’t you want to know what it’s about?

STUDIO EXEC #1: Eh.

STUDIO EXEC #2: Does it matter?

STUDIO EXEC #3: We’ll listen, but only if you tell us a funny story about working with Adam Sandler first.

DENNIS DUGAN: Um, OK. Well, there was this one time, when we were making Happy Gilmore, and I was trying to tell Adam to lean toward the camera for a particular shot, but I accidentally said, “Clean toward the camera,” and Adam instantly broke into a baby-talk voice and said, “Shabbidy shoobidy me no speak English good yet!”

STUDIO EXEC #1: Ha ha!

STUDIO EXEC #2: Classic Sandler!

STUDIO EXEC #3: “Shabbidy shoobidy” is my yoga mantra!

STUDIO EXEC #1: OK, tell us about your movie, but only if it’s as funny as that.

DENNIS DUGAN: It would star Adam Sandler and some of his buddies as a group of men who are buddies, who get together for the Fourth of July weekend.

STUDIO EXEC #2: Whoa, whoa, slow down, Gilmore Girls.

STUDIO EXEC #3: That’s an awful lot of material for one film.

STUDIO EXEC #1: How will you cram all that into two hours?

STUDIO EXEC #2: We may have to film this and its sequel at the same time, like they did with those movies about the fantastical monsters obsessed with jewelry.

STUDIO EXEC #3: Lord of the Rings?

STUDIO EXEC #2: No, Sex and the City.

DRUMMER: (rimshot)

DENNIS DUGAN: I know it’s a lot, but I think we can fit it all into one movie if we leave out the plot and just have the guys stand around making wisecracks.

STUDIO EXEC #1: That strategy has never failed us before.

STUDIO EXEC #2: As long as the wisecracks are related to boobs, bodily functions, and the characters’ physical appearances.

DENNIS DUGAN: Oh, absolutely. One of the friends would be played by Kevin James.

STUDIO EXEC #3: He is overweight!

STUDIO EXEC #1: This is comical!

STUDIO EXEC #2: Especially if he falls down!

STUDIO EXEC #3: What do you mean, “if”? Mr. Dugan, I assume Paul Blart Mall Cop will be falling down regularly in this movie?

DENNIS DUGAN: He will seldom be upright.

STUDIO EXEC #1: Which of Adam Sandler’s other friends will play Adam Sandler’s other friends?

DENNIS DUGAN: We’re hoping to get some of the most brilliant Saturday Night Live cast members in the show’s history!

STUDIO EXEC #2: Ohh! Joe Piscopo?

STUDIO EXEC #3: Ellen Cleghorne?

STUDIO EXEC #1: A. Whitney Brown?

DENNIS DUGAN: Even better: David Spade, Rob Schneider, and Chris Rock!

STUDIO EXEC #2: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Those three, PLUS Adam Sandler, all in the same movie?

DENNIS DUGAN: That’s right.

STUDIO EXEC #3: This will be the funniest movie ever made!

STUDIO EXEC #1: Science proves it!

STUDIO EXEC #2: I’m gonna beat the rush and wet my pants now!

STUDIO EXEC #3: It may be against the law to produce something as funny as this will be, on account of the ruptured spleens and herniated disks it will cause.

STUDIO EXEC #1: I’ll run it past legal.

DENNIS DUGAN: Just to clarify, you guys realize the film has no plot, right? It’s just Sandler and his buddies sitting around acting like children?

STUDIO EXEC #2: Sure, what else would it be?

STUDIO EXEC #3: If we wanted a plot we’d hire Charles Dickens, not Dennis Dugan.

STUDIO EXEC #1: And I think you know how long it’s been since Charles Dickens got anything produced in this town.

STUDIO EXEC #2: I literally don’t know who or what that is.

* * * *

Eric D. Snider (website) can’t believe you would doubt that this meeting really happened.

Tags: adam sandler, grown ups, pitch meeting