Now that there have been two lucrative Garfield movies and a teaser trailer for next year’s Smurfs film, it’s time to talk about how to combine these powerhouse franchises into one ultimate Live-Action Film with CGI Title Characters Based on Things That Were Popular in the Early 1980s.

Also, since we’re thinking about it, we’ll throw in Marmaduke, even though he wasn’t CGI in his movie and wasn’t popular in the early ’80s (or any other time).

The story:

Garfield is as fat, lazy, gluttonous, selfish, cruel, and unlovable as ever, and so his interest is piqued when he reads a Craigslist ad seeking an employee with exactly those characteristics. Garfield doesn’t want to work, of course, but he does like the idea of having some spending money, and the ad does call for laziness, so there must not be TOO much effort involved. Besides, it would be a shame to let someone else take a position clearly meant for him.

He responds to the ad and gets an email back from Gargamel, the evil sorcerer whose only purpose in life is to hate the Smurfs, which actually doesn’t sound that unreasonable now that we think about it. Gargamel’s previous cat, Azrael, was torn apart by Marmaduke, the gigantic Great Dane whose owners fear to discipline lest he turn and devour them as well. This has left a void in Gargamel’s life — a void that only someone as hateful, bitter, and spiteful as Garfield can fill! Garfield bids farewell to Jon and Odie by pushing the latter off a table and defecating in the former’s shoes, and moves in to Gargamel’s musty cottage in the woods.

Gargamel explains that he hates the Smurfs with an all-consuming passion, in much the same way that Garfield hates Mondays. Gargamel has at various times wanted to kill the Smurfs, steal their magic, or eat them; but in the Garfield-Smurfs-Marmaduke epic adventure, he wants to capture them, clone them, and create a massive army of tiny soldiers to do his bidding. And what nefarious mission does he want the Smurfs to accomplish on his behalf? The complete destruction of all Smurfs. That’s right, Gargamel wants to make new Smurfs just so the Smurfs will have more Smurfs to kill, which Gargamel will observe, salivating, delighting in every instance of Smurf-on-Smurf murder. It’s more than a little creepy, perhaps even sexual.

Garfield doesn’t care what Gargamel does, as long as he gets to keep a few Smurfs for himself, to be made into Smurflasagna.

Meanwhile, in the Smurf Village, Papa Smurf senses a disturbance in the Smurforce. He knows Gargamel is about to unleash a new evil upon them, perhaps for the last time. Papa Smurf quickly convenes a war council, calling all of his top advisers: Brainy Smurf, Hefty Smurf, Strategy Smurf, Assassin Smurf, Helicopter Pilot Smurf, and Jack Bauer Smurf. They tell the Department of Smurfland Security to put the village on the highest threat level there is: blue.

Not a moment too soon, either, because here comes Marmaduke! Gargamel has used his powers of mind-control to summon the slavering beast and instruct him to wreak havoc on the Smurf Village. The enormous beast tears through the Smurfs’ town square, gulping down victims in one bite, their smurfy screams barely audible over the sound of Marmaduke’s hellish snarling. Other Smurfs are not devoured but simply bitten in half, left to die in agony. “Tell my smurf … I smurf her!” says one, before his dying breath rattles from his throat and his eyes go dim.

At last Gargamel orders Marmaduke to stop his rampage. The malevolent colossus ceases at once, sitting obediently, his sinewy haunches glistening with frenzied sweat. Gargamel announces in a loud voice that the surviving Smurfs have a choice. They can either become Gargamel’s prisoners, or they can stay here in the village and be slaughtered by Marmaduke. They choose to go with Gargamel, as at least this will save their lives for the time being. Marmaduke, his unfathomable bloodlust temporarily sated, falls asleep, bits of Vanity Smurf still hanging from his lips.

Back at Gargamel’s cottage, Garfield is watching TV and commenting wryly on its mediocrity, the meta-irony lost on Jim Davis, when Gargamel returns with a rabbit cage full of whimpering Smurfs. Garfield’s job is to keep an eye on them while Gargamel perfects his Smurf-cloning process. Garfield lies on top of the cage, blocking the latch with his obese, corpulent body, and falls asleep.

The Smurfs aren’t sunk yet, though. Jokey Smurf suggests one last gambit. He makes one of his patented exploding gift boxes, this time using ten times the usual amount of explosive material. Instead of simply covering the victim in comical black dust, this prank will obliterate whoever opens the package. Knowing that neither Gargamel nor Garfield will be foolish enough to fall for it, Jokey Smurf tells his comrades to squeeze into the far corner of the cage and cover their heads. At the opposite end, directly underneath Garfield’s sleeping, wheezing body, Jokey Smurf makes the ultimate sacrifice and opens the gift box himself. A fraction of a second later, the walls of Gargamel’s cottage are splattered with orange, furry, lasagna-scented viscera, commingled with flecks of deep blue.

Gargamel, interrupted from his alchemy by the burst of cat shrapnel, is furious to see the remaining Smurfs running out of the hole in the cage created by the bomb. He pursues them deep into the forest, cursing and shrieking, his tunic flapping wildly in the breeze, rendering his gnarled privates visible to woodland creatures. Gargamel believes he has won when he chases the Smurfs back to their own village, where Marmaduke is still dozing. Gargamel awakens the dog, but before he can utter a single command the beast catches the irresistible scent of feline gore on Gargamel’s body and pounces. The Smurfs watch in a mix of horror and satisfaction as the monstrous hell-hound shreds their archenemy to pieces. Papa Smurf casts a spell that renders Smurf Village invisible to dogs, and they trudge back to town to pick up the pieces of their devastated lives.

* * * *

Eric D. Snider (website) has some ideas for Alvin and the Chipmunks, too.

Tags: garfield, marmaduke, the smurfs