I've watched in horror as the vanilla comedy Paul Blart: Mall Cop has racked up over $80 million in box office receipts over the past two weeks. While I don't begrudge anyone's right to career, I'm saddened that Kevin James has chosen the path of Segways and fat jokes. He was even on the Super Bowl pregame, riding his Segway around like some hilarious comedy grim reaper. I think you're better than that, Kevin. You're the man who once ripped on Ray Romano, saying you'd seen his movie Welcome to Mooseport on an airplane ... and tried to walk out. Now that's comedy!

Thankfully, Seth Rogen will bail us out in April with his film Observe and Report. Here are but five reasons Rogen's mall cop will dominate K-James' Mall Cop.

1. One is rated PG. The other is rated R.
Rogen is phenomenal when he's working dirty, and an R-rated Observe and Report can only mean good things. Plus Blart going "family friendly" was the main reason it was horrible. The "jokes" were pretty much a string of Paul Blart pratfalls. There was no winner there.

2. One had Kevin James. The other has Seth Rogen.
Pop quiz, hotshot: You've got to make people laugh. Do you take the guy who has been in Superbad, Pineapple Express and Knocked Up? Or you sticking with Zohan and Chuck & Larry? I thought so. Me too.

3. One has Anna Faris. The other doesn't.
Anna Faris is top notch, as she proved in both House Bunny and on her SNL appearance. She's able to carry a film, though with Rogen by her side she won't have to. Plus, one thing that really hindered Paul Blart was the lack of anything resembling a comedic co-star.

4. Rogen's Mall Cop will hate his job. Blart loved his.
While it was difficult to relate to a slightly juvenile Paul Blart, it will be very easy to see shades of yourself in Rogen's bitter take. Apatow's crew (which includes Rogen) is best when they're mining the dark side of realism. I expect Observe and Report to be just that, a comedy that finds the laughs where they actually are (in a man trapped in his job) as opposed to where they aren't (in a man foiling a ridiculous robbery attempt).

5. The tagline for Paul Blart: Mall Cop is "Safety never takes a holiday."
Uh, the defense rests. They were clearly mailing that one in. But come April, mall cop-dom is about to get a reboot, Rogen style.

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