I saw the ads to John Cusack’s latest film, Martian Child, and all things alien started running through my head. I began wondering what a real alien invasion would be like. Would it really be so bad? It might even be fun! Not all invasions are evil. The British invasion worked out, I thought. We could welcome these aliens into our community. They could take part in our culture, find jobs, get MySpace accounts and become meaningful members of society. You never know.

Looking back at some alien movie classics, I got to thinking which aliens would fit in certain societal niches. Here’s what I came up with:

The Town Shylocks: The aliens from Mars Attacks!

Now these are the guys I’d call to collect winnings. I’m in so many fantasy football, fantasy baseball and fantasy basketball leagues that I can hardly keep count. I’m in office pools up the wazoo. I can’t keep track of all the money and in the chance I win, I don’t have time to chase down people to collect the dough. That’s where these nasty critters come in. They really wouldn’t think twice before vaporizing you, which is kind of a double-edge sword. I’d be upset if one of my friends was vaporized over twenty bucks. But as long as everyone was on the same page…

The Town Gardeners: The aliens from Signs

Just imagine what the aliens who cooked up those wicked crop circles in Signs could do for your front yard. They’d make Edward Scissorhands look like a chump. You may not even need to pay them. I think they just get off on that kind of thing. Just play into their game. Pretend to be shocked and scared when you see their stylish gardening techniques. Oh no, another countdown to an invasion! What ever will I do? Maybe I won’t even pack extra water this time. Well, see you next week, Pepe!

The Town Mayor: Starman

Seriously, though, how good is Starman? Isn’t Jeff Bridges one of the most underrated actors alive? Isn’t this John Carpenter’s best score? Anyway, I think he’d be a fair and incorruptible mayor. He’d also make it legal to actually speed up at yellow lights, which I’ve been writing to congress about for years. And the first time our town came into any kind of trouble, he could squeeze one of those silver marbles and make that protective sphere appear… so that… it will… snow. Come to think of it, what the hell was the purpose of that?

The Town Drunk: E.T.

Everyone serves a purpose and it’s my belief every town needs a town drunk. You need something or someone to point at to show the dangers of alcoholism to children. I don’t know about you, but I always thought E.T. was a pretty ugly drunk. And if this was Elliot’s best friend, it wouldn’t surprise me if that kid ended up in a gutter somewhere. E.T. already had a weird gait to him, but give him a couple of Budweisers and he turns into David Hasselhoff, falling over everywhere, getting lazy-eyed. What a disgrace he was.

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Dre writes three times a week for Film.com. He’s not an alien, he just plays one on TV. E-mail him!