How does a movie go from concept -- take a beloved plaything from our youth and craft a loving, nostalgic story around it -- to this?

Film.com spies acquired a transcript of the pitch meeting and can now reveal all:

Stephen Sommers: Dudes, you're gonna love this: It's an action movie ... based on toys!

Studio Exec #1: Oh, man, another Transformers?

Studio Exec #2: Cha-ching! I smell a $200 million opening weekend!

[sounds of hand-slapping and chest-thumping]

Sommers: Um, no, it's not Transformers. It's G.I. Joe.

Exec #1: G.I. who?

Exec #2: Who-joe?

Exec #1: Is that like Cujo? Are we talking robot dogs or something?

Sommers: No no no. G.I. Joe. Soldier stuff. You remember? The action doll with the kung-fu grip and the weird fake beard...?

Exec #2: Action Doll! I smell a franchise for Megan Fox...

Sommers: No, G.I. Joe was a badass soldier, and when you pushed his back his arm went chop chop chop, and he didn't have that fake plastic hair Ken had -- this was the only doll who needed a shave, man!

Exec #1: I think my dad had one of those...

Exec #2: So it's about martial arts fighters in disguise?

Sommers: Never mind about the beard.

Exec #1: What does the G.I. stand for?

Sommers: You know, it's like ... that's what they called soldiers ... a while ago, anyway.

Exec #2: Yeah, like your grandfather who fought in the Civil War at Normandy. [snort]

Sommers: Umm--

Exec #1: Look, we gotta make it cool and 21st century. Instead of one soldier, how about a whole team of badass mofos?

Sommers: Umm--

Exec #2: Yeah, and we can give them a wicked name like, er, Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity.

Exec #1: Awesome. And they should be like the best operatives in the world, and can we make sure they all look like underwear models?

Sommers: Umm--

Exec #1: And you know what would rock? If there was a goofy black guy who destroys millions of dollars worth of military hardware!

Sommers: Oh, there will definitely be a goofy black guy.

Exec #2: Excellent! I see Will Smith as the goofy black guy.

Sommers: Umm, I was thinking more Marlon Wayans.

Exec #1: Who the hell is Marlon Wayans?

Exec #2: So who is your marquee name?

Sommers: Dennis Quaid.

[silence]

Exec #2: What the hell, is this 1984? Is this Innerspace? Dennis freakin' Quaid?

Sommers: Well...

Exec #1: Please tell us there's at least a hot chick in tight leather kicking the crap outta bad guys.

Sommers: Sure.

Exec #2: Action Doll!

Exec #1: Oh, dudes, we totally have to destroy a major world monument! That will look so great in the trailer!

Exec #2: The Empire State Building?

Exec #1: Been done.

Exec #2: Mount Rushmore.

Exec #1: Done.

Exec #2: Big Ben.

Exec #1: Bor-ring!

Sommers: How about the Eiffel Tower?

Exec #2: Excellent.

Exec #1: And then, when the American superheroes show up to save Paris, they do as much damage to the city as the supervillain did!

Exec #2: Perfect.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
MaryAnn Johanson is sooo gonna be rooting for Destro at FlickFilosopher.com. (email me)

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