The New Kids on the Block are back together!!! And they’re going out on tour!!! OMG!!! Or, to put it in terms the New Kids might be more familiar with, this is totally rad!

But there’s just one minor detail that’s stopping me from grabbing my sleeping bag to go camp outside my local arena for tickets, and no, it’s not the fact that we do these things on the Internet these days. You see, I want to be excited about the idea of falling in love with my first favorite boy band all over again. It’s just that I can’t shake the thought that these guys are really, really old. Let’s face it, the only place where it’s considered entertaining for washed-up old guys to dance around on stage is the set of Dancing with the Stars, and Joey McIntyre’s already been there, tangoed that.

So, in order to protect the glorious legacy of the men who brought us “Hangin’ Tough,” I present this list of prospective stand-ins. I dare anyone who buys a ticket for this tour to tell the difference.

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Stand-in for Jon Knight: Casey Affleck

Why him? Because Jon spent most of his days as a New Kid just hanging in the background looking like he didn’t want to be there, and letting his brother do all the work, just like fellow Bostonian Affleck does whenever he’s on the red carpet.

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Stand-in for Donnie Wahlberg: Mark Wahlberg

Why him? Just to blow everyone’s minds.

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Stand-in for Danny Wood: a vintage Danny Wood doll

Why a doll? Because Danny contributed even less to the New Kids than Jon did. Plus, by using the inexpensive doll as a stand-in, the group will be able to allot more funds to updating their special effects, which will be a big necessity. What passed for magic on the Magic Summer tour of 1990 is probably about as an impressive as an Atari game now.

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Stand-in for Jordan Knight: Zac Efron

Why him? Who cares if they look or sound nothing alike? The girls will be screaming so loud for Zac, it will drown out the music, which is exactly how the New Kids survived all their past tours, anyway.

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Stand-in for Joey McIntyre: Tinkerbell Hilton

Why a Chihuahua? Because even by their third album, Joey’s voice had already changed too much for him to hit the high notes on his signature hit, “Please Don’t Go, Girl,” in their live concerts. Paris’s pooch will never lose that high-pitched yelp. Tinkerbell also has the same puppy dog eyes.