By now we’re all pretty tired of 3-D movies. Wait, did I say “by now”? I meant “as of a year ago.” As of a year ago, we’re all pretty tired of 3-D movies. They’re not worth the extra money, the dark glasses make the picture dimmer, and Clash of the Titans transmitted STDs to its viewers. We’ve grown weary of pretending that 3-D makes the movie seem more “real.” What we want now is actual reality. We’ll settle for virtual reality, though.

Yes, virtual reality. That is what movies need! We want to be fully immersed in our entertainment. We want to feel the bullets whizzing past our heads in war movies. We want to smell the bong water in Seth Rogen movies. When Clint Eastwood appears on the screen, we want to reach out and feel like we’re actually touching his reptilian skin.

What’s the point in watching a movie set in a chocolate factory if we can’t taste the chocolate? Why bother with a story about a rat that learns to cook French cuisine if we can’t feel the heat from the ovens and smell the rodent feces on the floor? Who wants to relive the fate of the Titanic without suffering hypothermia in 30-degree ocean water?

You have suckered us with such subpar entertainments in the past, Hollywood, but the day of reckoning has arrived. No longer will we tolerate escapist fantasies that fail to stimulate all five of our senses simultaneously.

In addition to engaging our senses, there is also the matter of personal preference. Currently, we are forced to watch a movie in whatever form its director chose to make it. THIS IS HORSECRAP. When we shell out 10 bucks for a movie, we should be able to determine for ourselves what happens in it. OR IS THIS NOT STILL AMERICA?? If we believe Christian Bale should have gotten the lead role over Leonardo DiCaprio, then we should be able to see the movie with Christian Bale in it. If we think a movie would be improved by showing more blood and carnage, then more blood and carnage it shall have! And those bummer endings where the guy dies and the girl is sad? A thing of the past.

Needless to say, virtual reality movies targeted at men will feature a lot more nudity, whether the actresses signed on for it or not.

All of these advances will make movies better. Filmmakers will have to step up their game, knowing that viewers will be right there in the movie with them. No studio will dare release a fantasy film without pouring at least $200 million into the special effects, to ensure that every dragon, dwarf, and Orlando Bloom can withstand meticulous scrutiny. The viewers will revolt if anything looks, sounds, smells, tastes, or feels less than real.

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Eric D. Snider (website) has eight or nine senses, he lost count.

Tags: 3-d, ratatouille, virtual reality