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Kevin Polowy

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Film.com & NextMovie executive editor Kevin Polowy is so obsessed with Bill Murray that he watches "Groundhog Day" every day. He also loves A Tribe Called Quest, hot sauce and zebri.

Presenting the 1st Annual Filmies: Where (Almost) Every Movie Wins

Awards season is upon us once again (maybe you’ve heard?), and though we’ll watch each of the announcements and ceremonies with geektastic excitement, we have to admit there’s something about the whole process that’s just a bit… lacking, in quantity and in fairness to all filmmakers.

Expanding the Academy Awards’ Best Picture category to 10 was a step in the right direction. But what about the hundreds of other movies that deserve something because they were released this year?

So welcome to the first annual Filmies, where (almost) everything wins something. Or 167 movies, to be exact.

Best Hulk Movie Yet: “Marvel’s The Avengers”

Best Remake: “Taken 2″

Craziest Love Story: “The Silver Linings Playbook”

Best Barack Obama Smear Campaign: “2016: Obama’s America”

Best Mitt Romney Smear Campaign: “The Dark Knight Rises”

Best Child-on-Child Violence: “The Hunger Games”

Best Man-on-Bear Violence: “Ted”

Best Movie Set in a Bathtub: “Beasts of the Southern Wild”

Best Hot Dog Movie: “Hyde Park on Hudson”

Best Sausage Movie: “Magic Mike”

Best Lycan: “Underworld: Awakening”

Best Merman: “Cabin in the Woods”

Best Tommy Lee Jones Impression: Josh Brolin, “Men in Black III”

Best Bruce Willis Impression: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, “Looper”

Best Bret Michals Impression: Tom Cruise, “Rock of Ages”

Best Abortion Scene: “Prometheus”

Best USA! USA! USA! Movie: “Zero Dark Thirty”

Second Best USA! USA! USA! Movie: “Act of Valor”

Most Heartwarming Sex Movie: “The Sessions”

Best Movie Clearly About Scientology: “The Master”

Best Loin Cloth: “John Carter”

Best Title: “Oogieloves In The BIG Balloon Adventure”

Best Adaptation of a Board Game: “Battleship”

Strangest Movie About a Man Riding in Limo All Day: “Holy Motors”

Strangest Movie About a Man Riding in Limo All Night: “Cosmopolis”

Best Fracking Movie: “Promised Land”

Most Frames Per Second: “The Hobbit”

Best Movie Based on a Soap Opera: “Dark Shadows”

Best Movie Based on a Podcast: “Sleepwalk With Me”

Best Bi-Curious Villain: Javier Bardem, “Skyfall”

Best Grunting: Tom Hardy, “Lawless”

Movie That Most Improves on Its Weak Predecessor: “Expendables 2″

Movie That Second Most Improves on Its Weak Predecessor: “Wrath of the Titans”

Best Gay Rights Animated Film: “Brave”

Best Pixar Movie: “Wreck-It Ralph”

Best Jack Frost Movie Since Either “Jack Frost” Movie: “Rise of the Guardians”

Best History Lesson: “Lincoln”

Worst History Lesson: “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”

Worst War Movie: “This Means War”

Second Worst War Movie: “Red Tails”

Best Farting Dog: “Anna Karenina”

Best Prostitute: Megan Fox, “The Dictator”

Longest Engagement: “The Five-Year Engagement”

Best ’90s Movie: “Savages”

Best Chems: “The Bourne Legacy”

Best Argument for Abstinence: “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”

Best Superhero Origin Story: “Chronicle”

Most Action-Packed Orchestral Film: “A Late Quartet”

Best “The State” Reunion: “Wanderlust”

Best “American Pie” Reunion: “American Reunion”

Best Shiz Tzu: Bonnie the Shih Tzu, “Seven Psychopaths”

Best Portrayal of Tim Burton’s Actual Childhood: “Frankenweenie”

Second Best Animated Horror Film for Kids: “Paranorman”

Best Multiple-Decapitation PG-13 Movie: “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2″

Best Musical Interpretation of the Occupy Wall Street Movement: “Les Miserables”

Best Baby Punching: “The Campaign”

Best Joy Behar Movie: “Ice Age: Continental Drift”

Most Tom Hankses: “Cloud Atlas”

Best Rainbow Afro-Circus: “Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted”

Best Tyler Perry Movie: “Alex Cross”

Best “Weird Science” Tribute: “Ruby Sparks”

Funniest Apocalypse Film: “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World”

Best Film Directed by Its Book’s Author: “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”

Most Uncomfortable Nudity Involving Minors: “Moonrise Kingdom”

Most Minor Woody Allen: “To Rome With Love”

Best Bromance: Pi and Richard Parker, “Life of Pi”

Second Best Bromance: Robot and Frank, “Robot and Frank”

Adam Sandler’s Least Bad Movie: “Hotel Transylvania”

Adam Sandler’s Second Least Bad Movie: “That’s My Boy”

Most Outlandish Ratio of Man-to-Woman Screentime: “Killing Them Softly”

Most Colors: “The Lorax”

Best Arthouse Porn Title: “The Exotic Marigold Hotel”

Best Movie Directed by a Member of the Wu-Tang Clan: “The Man With the Iron Fists”

Best Matisyahu Performance: “Possession”

Most Realistic Portrayal of a Retired Music Teacher: “Amour”

Most Demented Australian Movie: “The Loved Ones”

Best Answer to “Bridesmaids”: “Bachelorette”

Best Seafood: “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen”

Most References to Branzino: “The Amazing Spider-Man”

Best Hooters Scene: “Jeff Who Lives at Home”

Second Best Hooters Scene: “Total Recall”

Best Sideburns: Daniel Radcliffe, “Woman in Black”

Most Overabundance of Ryan Reynolds Getting Snot Beat Out of Him: “Safe House”

Best Cam’ron Performance: Jake Gyllenhaal and Anna Kendrick, “End of Watch”

Best Vibrator Film: “Hysteria”

Most Ironic Title: “Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds”

Best Snow White Movie: “Mirror Mirror”

Second Best Snow White Movie: “Snow White and the Huntsman”

Best Hand Job(s): “On the Road”

Best/Worst Mullet: Sam Worthington, “Man on a Ledge”

Best Thing Liam Neeson Punches: Wolves, “The Grey”

Most Politically Correct: “Red Dawn”

Most Insensitive Use of a Real-Life Disaster in a Horror Movie: “Chernobyl Diaries”

Best Bike Helmets: “Premium Rush”

Best Banana Innuendo: “Hope Springs”

Creepiest Child: Child Who Plays Timothy Green, “The Odd Life of Timothy Green”

Most Jason Statham: “Safe”

Movie Most Surprisingly Not Based on Something Written by Nicholas Sparks: “The Vow”

Best Nicholas Sparks: “The Lucky One”

Best Threesome: “The Three Stooges”

Best Scene Involving a Midget Getting Shoved Into an Oven: “Project X”

Best “SNL” Skit: “Casa De Mi Padre”

Third Best Jennifer Lawrence Movie: “House at the End of the Street”

Best Leg-Lock: “Haywire”

Best Trafficking: “Contraband”

Best Urination Scene: “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance”

Best Urinator: Nicole Kidman, “Paperboy”

Most Thought-Provoking Movie Title: “Gone”

Best Bernie Madoff-Inspired Movie: “Arbitrage”

Best Benie Tiede-Inspired Movie: “Bernie”

Best Babs: “The Guilt Trip”

Best Crystal: “Parental Guidance”

Best Boris: Boris Kudjoe, “Resident Evil: Retribution”

Best Use of a Director’s Family: “This Is 40″

Plot Most Like Last Year’s Criminally Underseen “Warriror”: “Here Comes the Boom”

Best Man-Whore: Robert Pattinson, “Bel Ami”

Best Conflict-Resolution-Through-Dance Film: “Step Up: Revolution”

Best Movie Based on a Lee Child Novel: “Jack Reacher”

Best Movie Based on Steve Harvey Dating Manual: “Think Like a Man”

Best Movie to Watch During NHL Lockout: “Goon”

Most Realistic Film: “Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection”

Best Crude and Sexual content, Pervasive Language, Drug Material, Teen Drinking and Some Violence: “21 Jump Street”

Best Phone Sex: “For a Good Time, Call…”

Best Clothed McConaughey:  “Killer Joe”

Most Non-Revelatory: “Silent Hill: Revelation 3D”

Siblings You’d Most Like to See Make Out: Chris Pine and Elizabeth Banks, “People Like Us”

Best Discovery (Spoiler Alert): “Searching for Sugar Man”

Best Asian Film: “The Impossible”

Best Film That Traps Action Hero in Skyscraper: “The Raid Redemption”

Second Best Film That Traps Action Hero in Skyscraper: “Dredd 3D”

Most Aca-Puns: “Pitch Perfect”

Best Reason to Hate Teenagers: “Bully”

Wimpiest Movie: “Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days”

Best Jackasses: “Nitro Circus: The Movie”

Best Latifah-Dolly Collabo: “Joyful Noise”

Most Whitmanian: “Damsels in Distress”

Movie Most Likely Making Edgar Allan Poe Turn in His Grave: “The Raven”

Movie Second Most Likely Making Edgar Allan Poe Turn in His Grave: “Fun Size”

Best Prequel to “Two for the Money”: “One for the Money”

Best Sequel to “Friends With Benefits”: “Friends With Kids”

Best Sequel to a Movie You Never Heard Of: “The Collection”

Best Gerard Butler Surfing Movie: “Chasing Mavericks”

Best Gerard Butler Turfing Movie: “Playing for Keeps”

Most Pleasantly Surprising Shower Scene: “Take This Waltz”

Best 3-D Action Horror Film Directed by Måns Mårlind and Björn Stein: “Underworld: Awakening”

Best Movie Made by the Director of “Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore”: “Journey 2: Mysterious Island”

Best Don Johnson Cameo: “Django Unchained”

Most Surprisingly Not That Bad: “Hit and Run”

Best “Parks and Rec” Representation: Rashida Jones, “Celeste and Jesse Forever”

Second Best “Parks and Rec” Representation: Aubrey Plaza, “Safety Not Guaranteed”

Best  Plot Twist: “Your Sister’s Sister”

Movie Most Likely to Be Banned from Airplanes: “Flight”

Worst Timing: “The Watch”

Funniest French People: “The Intouchables”

Prettiest Leads in Ugliest Movie: Zoe Saldana and Bradley Cooper, “The Words”

Creepiest Poster: “The Apparition”

Best Reason for Ethan Hawke to Keep Acting: “Sinister”

Best Use of Skype: “VHS”

Second Best Use of Skype: “Paranormal Activity 4″

Least Frightening Hitchcock Film: “Hitchcock”

Best Documentary: “Katy Perry, Part of Me”

Worst Documentary: “The Devil Inside”

Honorary “Free Willy”Award: “Big Miracle”

Honorary “Glitter” Award: “Sparkle”

Honorary New Jersey Award: “Not Fade Away”

Best Movie in Which Clint Eastwood Talks to His Penis, a Hamburger and a Car: “Trouble With the Curve”

Best Director: Ben Affleck, “Argo”


Categories: Awards, Lists

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