I’ve got to tell you, I don’t quite get this Captivity film. They didn’t screen it for me, because I’m a nobody, but based on the things I’ve already seen I’m scratching my head over here. For one, how did they both kidnap and get Elisha Cuthbert to pose for a poster?? Let me tell you something pal, if you ever imprison me and then start asking for glamour shots you’re going to be out of luck. I might put on the lotion (so as not to get the hose) but I draw the line at your sick little black and white photo fetish.

Also, I’m pretty sure the kidnapping of Elisha Cuthbert would have been a national story. They would have released the hounds in a big, big way. Yet, we’re supposed to buy that she was in fact kidnapped and then somehow miraculously escaped and now doesn’t mind doing press for the project? That’s completely ridiculous. I’ve heard of hostages gradually forgiving their captors but I’ve never seen anyone publicize what had to be a traumatic event in such a brazen manner. I don’t know what therapist recommended she go for empowerment in this manner but I think that person is crazy. And, as I almost had a full minor in psychology back in college, I’d say I’m fairly equipped to level judgment on that one. CNN would probably have me on as an expert witness if you get my drift.

The trailer is completely loopy too. It starts off with “850,000 people are reported missing every year. If you think it can’t happen to you, you’re dead wrong!” Actually I’m not wrong. How many people is this stat drawn from? Because there are six billion people in the world. Even if it was only in America my shot would be like 1 in 300. Those are great odds. I’d also bet that the majority of the people cited weren’t even kidnapped. They were missing. They may have gone off to Vegas, or they may have decided to sail the seven seas (are there still seven?) but they aren’t unequivocally kidnapped just because they’re missing. Captivity is fudging the facts to get their point across. Not cool. Where is the responsibility in journalism? Clearly the After Dark marketing team checked their scruples at the door on this one. Oh, and by the way, in 2002 (the last year I could find) 936,000 Americans died of cardiovascular diseases. If you think that can’t happen to you, you’re dead wrong. Stay up to date with those yearly physicals people.

So, I won’t be seeing Captivity based on those issues alone. I could be wrong, and maybe they cite their statistics in the opening credits. And maybe somehow Cuthbert was on board for this kidnapping in some weird attempt at “art.” I don’t know. And frankly I don’t care. When you’re this dishonest with the premise and trailer alone you’ve already lost me. Gotta admit though, I do kind of like that poster.

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LaremyLegel.com, a very festive website.