"Bride Wars highlights the worst parts of humanity. And not in a funny way, either."

It's hard to see a film like Bride Wars and not wonder if our culture is headed off a cliff. Because you've got talented people, a budget, and many pretty outfits ... all of which have been used in the production of the mildly terrible and fully ridiculous. It's bewildering. To think that professionals got together and came up with this, it just makes you question a lot of things in your life. So no, I didn't love it.

The story, as can be divined by the title alone, is a war between brides (though, technically, a third bride is involved which allowed them to go with the delightful Bride Wars instead of the less intriguing and more accurate Bride War). Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson, lifelong friends, accidentally book the same date at the same hotel for their weddings. As lifelong pals they must, of course, turn on each other like wild hyenas. You know how that goes. Anyway, examining the plot here is not nearly as fun as making fun of the many problems with the movie so let's just do that instead.

Montage me! The film starts with a montage and a voiceover. It seems impossible that whoever was writing the script would just give up, right off the bat, on telling the actual story, but that seems to be the case here. I envision everyone showing up for work, becoming victims of a gas leak, waking up with their heads hurting and needing to turn in five pages of script in the next five minutes. Hey, can we get Candice Bergen to do a voiceover and we'll just show some images and throw some music in too? Good enough!

These people are not people you know, unless you hang out with terrible people all the time. They are best friends, Kate and Anne. This is the crux of the story. Best friends who do their damnedest to ruin each other's wedding. Would no one decide to be a bigger person? Would no family member step in and say, "What's up with you two fools?" I get that this is in service of comedy. But since it's not funny, couldn't I then expect that the story would be somewhat realistic instead? No? I'm stuck with a terrible comedic concept and dumb people doing dumber things? Okay then, you win. To whom do I owe the $8?

There are maybe six chuckle-worthy moments total. Other than that it's the worst portrayal of women and humanity you'll see this year. The silly notion that a wedding is the end-all, be-all of a woman's life, and that she has nothing to offer society other than raging lunacy, isn't exactly the sort of filmmaking I want to support. Nothing makes any sense here, but you can still see every move coming. Which kills both the dramatic tension and the chance for genuine laughter. Other than that it was really good.

Grade: D

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