Christine Champ April 25, 2011
Tsunamis, Libyan dictators … so many world threats with no one willing to police them. Except wait, hold on, we’re remembering a team of freedom fighters who might just be willing to toss their “buck o’ five” into the global arena for the love of liberty!
Yep, we’re talking about the puppet masters of international peace– Team America: World Police. Isn’t it time the terrorism toppling, Eiffel Tower trashing South Park spawn return to save another day? We think so — as long as they consider a few of our sequel suggestions.
So many evils, so little screen time to eradicate them all. Yet a smattering of sinister foes does come to mind:
Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi
Is there an “I’m So Lonely” ballad sad and sympathetic enough to make him seem as huggably misunderstood as Kim Jong Il?
Then again, what about a threat we can all (well mostly) agree on like tsunamis, hurricanes, global warming and other eco-catastrophes? Perhaps Team America could resolve the melting Polar ice cap crisis. Envision them training, arming and riding polar bears, whales or penguins for their mission.
Ashton Kutcher? Maybe M. Night Shyamalan? Both arguably a bigger menace than Matt Damon and the other tree-hugging, anti-badass-America members the Film Actors Guild. They can’t be the only Hollywood celebs with the clout (or box-office muscle) to destroy us all. What about all the D-list directors and actors that assault our cinema sensibilities and disappoint us on a daily basis?
Theme songs … “f*ck yeah”!
Forget theater and languages double major Gary. Isn’t the truly “perfect weapon” Miley Cyrus? She can act, sort of, knows all about leading a double life, AND she has a knack for ditties like “Hip Hop Hoedown” that have exactly the sort of spunk (and absurdity) a Team America soundtrack demands.
And songs leads us to dance, and kung fu, and er well, sex, and every other act that puppets perform with inherent awkwardness and silliness. Dear comedy gods, if there’s a sequel let it include Team America Dancing With the Stars.
Eagle-saddling heroes and naughty villains
Why not our favorite fake pundits Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart–as eagle flying superheroes– or perhaps writers who help politically smarten up Team America 2’s script? And what better name for a sinister freedom-endangering international situation, than “The Situation”. Or Snookie.
The voice of a better, badder (as in bad at intelligence) Team America super computer: the grand poobah of a slacker brains Seth Rogen.Or how about Mark Wahlberg for bad intelligence with a bad attitude?
Collateral damage done right
The pyramids, the Louvre, when will Team America blow up something we want blown up? Like say The Jersey Shore? The Saw franchise? Or auto-tune!
How say you? Any issues you’d like to see a new Team America film tackle?
Categories: No CategoriesTags: Sequels, Team america