I had grand plans for this review. I was originally going to run with the notion that Bangkok Dangerous was some sort of odd metaphor for our current political situation. It was going to be completely silly, and I was going to wait for the first person to comment, "I don't think the movie has anything to do with anything you are talking about." Then I was going to pop some champagne, satisfied that I'd outwitted the Internets.

Sadly, it doesn't look like that's going to happen. And it's not going to happen because you failed me Bangkok Dangerous. You failed me because you weren't nearly awful enough to care about. The movie is fine. That's about it. Some folks will like it. Some will roll their eyes. Most will never see or hear about it after this weekend. It's a sad state of affairs.

The film, a remake, is Nic Cage as a hardened assassin who takes a "final" set of jobs in Bangkok. He's getting out of the game you see. No more killing people for money. But just as soon as he thinks he's out...

Whoops. Sorry. I nodded off for a second there. Oh Bangkok Dangerous, why weren't you nicer or more entertaining to me, the paying audience? Why didn't you just concentrate on the assassin aspect? Why did you bring the notion of redemption in to a film that clearly didn't need that?

The problems with this movie start creeping up around minute 20. Before that point you'll be wondering, "Hey, why didn't they promote / screen / mention this film ever?" Bangkok Dangerous gets tripped up by 1.) Setting up rules for Nic then immediately, and without remorse ... 2.) breaking all of them. It leaves you flopping around, looking for anything real to hang on to. There are also at least five "Nic Cagey" moments where he stares at the camera and tries to bust out of his own skin using only the strength of his super-powered human emotion face.

Good parts? Sure. It has more than you'd think. A few of the kill scenes are worth a two-minute watch. The ending is better than your average melodrama. There actually isn't a ton of bad dialogue (as you'd expect). It's a moody piece, and when things are going well it comes off like a well-executed video game. Lastly, the film has a few subtle shout-outs to how cool elephants are. I'm all for pachyderm love. Not enough films broach that topic.

Anyway, this film is average. If you're bored out of your skull, it will take 100 minutes of your life up. Other than that I can't in good faith tell you to see it. We're establishing a trust here, you see: Film.com and you. If you need some movie time this weekend consider Tropic Thunder. Even if you've already seen it.

Grade: C-

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