It has become public knowledge that Baz Luhrmann shot three different endings for Australia, the epic World War II saga opening this week in which Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman play an aristocrat and a cowboy who fall in love. One ending has a major character dying, another has that character living, and the third — which is the one Luhrmann says he wound up using — is something else.

Of course, a truly good story should lead inexorably to a particular conclusion, not to a buffet of equally suitable choices. If you have a variety of options, all but one should stick out as being wrong. Otherwise, what kind of story have you told? But since Luhrmann has abandoned that old-fashioned idea, we thought, why stop at three possible endings? You might as well shoot a bunch of ‘em and then choose one at random! So here are some additional suggestions for possible Australia endings.

- The film’s villain is revealed to be none other than Paul Hogan, angry at having seen his Crocodile Dundee residuals dry up as these younger, hotter Aussie stars have stolen his fame. He awkwardly threatens Kidman’s character with a knife, only to be knocked over by a strong breeze, his spindly old-man legs no longer able to support him. He lies on the ground, the dust blowing across his leathery, craggy skin, and we fade to black as Kidman and Jackman go skipping away into the sunset.

- The Van Trapp family wanders in, mistakenly believing this to be a World War II film set in Austria. They are immediately slain.

- A young American boy, having cost a local family hundreds of dollars in a telephone-based prank, is brought to Australia to face his justice. Not only must he apologize, but at the last minute, the Australian government introduces an additional punishment: being kicked in the butt with a comically oversized ceremonial boot. Kidman the aristocrat steps in at the last minute to save the boy, while Jackman the cowboy battles the American frogs that the boy has introduced into the ecosystem.

- Were you expecting a gay joke? Come on — Nicole Kidman … Hugh Jackman … a cowboy … other movies that starred Australian actors as cowboys … How could you possibly make a gay joke out of that?!

- It is revealed that due to a clerical error, Australia didn’t just used to be a British penal colony — it still is one! Everyone in the country is legally a prisoner. Jackman and Kidman rally the inmates together to put on a show to entertain their fellow prisoners, and to give Jackman and Kidman an excuse to sing and dance. Disaster is narrowly averted when, in the course of producing this show, Kidman is forced to make a facial expression and nearly has an aneurysm as she struggles in vain to move her Botoxed facial muscles.

- Just as Jackman’s character faces certain death, a boomerang comes whizzing past him, firmly lodging in the skull of the kangaroo that’s killing him. “Oy, that was a right krankor!” Jackman says to the koala bear that has ambled by. “It’s a joggly can of profty bangees, this is!” Then he calls Kidman a “sheila,” puts some shrimp on the barbie, drinks a Foster’s, and goes to the beach in January. Australia, folks! Australia!

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Eric D. Snider (website) likes Monty Python’s “Bruces” sketch best.

Tags: australia, hugh jackman, nicole kidman