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Loquaciousmuse was raised in Los Angeles by a family obsessed with films, tv, comics, books, music and video games. Thus, she is also obsessed with these things. So it goes.

April at the Movies

April, following in the footsteps of the now popular release month March, covers a wide gamut of genres, and features many individual films that have been long anticipated by its fans. Plus, there’s only one sequel, one remake, and one release – the rest is all original work! Kind of exciting, no? Let’s jump into details.

Hilarity Timez?

American Reunion (April 6th)

This fourth American Pie film marks the first time the entire original cast is returning, making it, at least in my eyes, the only one besides the first that warrants a viewing. Though the film is getting mixed to poor reviews, I can’t imagine it wouldn’t be a nostalgic blast for fans of the original. I always like the idea of seeing characters or actors reunite, but my jam is much more Alicia Silverstone guest starring on Suburgatory (Cher/Elton reunion whaaat!) than American Pie 10 years later.

When Am I Seeing It? I’m interested, but not enough to make a point to go to the theater this weekend. Let’s go with DVD.

The Three Stooges  (April 13th)

I am so definitively not a fan of the Farrelly brothers and this trailer just makes me groan. The general consensus is that the film looks horrible and will be horrible and is sacrilege in the way that it may taint the greatness of the actual Three Stooges for the current generation, but I still have this sneaking suspicion that it may make some money. I mean, Jack and Jill did, so anything can, right?

When Am I Seeing It? Bwhahaha. No.

The Five Year Engagement (April 27th)

The second Emily Blunt film to open this Spring, The Five Year Engagement, (also starring Jason Segel and directed by Muppets scribe Nicholas Stoller, reuniting the two as director/actor for the first time since Forgetting Sarah Marshall) falls much more on the romantic comedy side where Salmon Fishing in the Yemen was a romantic drama. The film follows a couple’s persistently elongated engagement through a series of wacky happenings.

When Am I Seeing It? Opening weekend is the plan!

The Pirates! A Band Of Misfits (April 27th)

Aardman alert! Aardman alert! The stop motion animated pros behind Wallace and Gromit hit the screen with an original animated action comedy about a group of pirates on a mission to win the Pirate of the Year award. Voices include Hugh Grant, Salma Hayek, Brendan Gleeson and Jeremy Piven.

When Am I Seeing It? Opening month is the most likely answer.

Romantic Timez

Titanic 3D (April 4th)

The most successful and beloved movie of all time blahblahblah 3D. No, I’m not seeing it. Crying in 3D glasses is a one way ticket to pinkeye. And when I rewatched the flick on television last year, I was reminded of all the reasons I was the only kid in middle school who thought the movie had some problems. ‘Cause it does. And you couldn’t pay me to go to a theater and see it right now. That being said, if you’re one of those folks who saw it 8 times in theaters 15 years ago and are dying to go see it again, more power to you, have fun.

When Am I Seeing It? Never.

The Lucky One (April 20th)

Okay, now I’m gonna feel really stupid. Because while I refuse to go see Titanic in 3D, I am ALL OVER seeing this Nicholas Sparks/Zefron joint opening weekend. I’ve never seen a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book in theaters, but if ever I am to break this rule, it will be for the Zef, who won me over so handily in 17 Again. I’m allowed to be a complete and utter dork sometimes and this is one of those times. Oh, and the plot, yes, from my understanding, Zef is a soldier who falls in love with a woman based on her photo and then goes and finds her and they have sex in a shower.

When Am I Seeing It? Opening Weekend. Shhh.

Think Like a Man (April 20th)

In a strange meta sort of move, this movie is based on the book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey about four men whose lives get turned upside down when the women they are with buy Harvey’s book and start taking its advice. So then the men read the book and try to teach the women a lesson. Really? I like a lot of the cast, but the story is rather derivative and the trailer wholly unfunny. Plus it’s directed by Tim Story, best known for the Fantastic Four films. I’m skeptical.

When Am I Seeing It? Probably not happening.

Thrills and Chills Timez!

The Cabin in the Woods (April 13th)

This highly buzzed about horror/comedy/everything awesome is FINALLY opening this month after years of delay. But let me tell you, it is well worth the wait. Written by Joss Whedon and directed by Drew Goddard, Cabin in the Woods is a geek’s dream and is one of the most unique films to ever grace the screen. Do yourself a favor, avoid all trailers if you can, don’t read about the movie, don’t ask anyone what it’s about, just go.

When Am I Seeing It? Will have seen it twice by the time it opens, but yes, seeing it again opening weekend.

Lockout  (April 13th)

Space prison movie! Cool! Guy Pearce plays a man wrongly accused of being a traitor against the US, so he has to save the presidents daughter from a space prison swarmed with rebelling prisoners in order to guarantee his freedom. Badassery ensues. YES PLZ. Also THIS line, “He’s the best there is, but he’s a loose cannon.” Lulz. This reeks of classic 80s action ridiculousness. Can’t wait.

When Am I Seeing It? If reviews are as strong as I am hoping they will be, I will at least go see it opening week.

The Raven (April 27th)

John Cusack plays Edgar Allen Poe, who is recruited by a Baltimore detective (Luke Evans) to help solve murders based on his works. The concept is fun enough, but the footage bridges on the utterly ridiculous. I’m expecting the movie to get horrible reviews (it’s well on its way with a 24% on Rotten Tomatoes already), but that won’t stop me from seeing it at some point. I’m kind of a sucker for Gothic hokum.

When Am I Seeing It? DVD.

Safe (April 27th)

Where do all of these Jason Statham action movies come from?! How does he make them all? I feel like 12 of them come out every year, it makes no sense! What ARE you, Jason Statham?!! In this one, Statham is a former mixed martial artist star who is protecting a 12 year old Chinese girl from the Russian mafia gangsters who killed his family. ‘Cause I mean, why not?

When Am I Seeing It? One day on DVD when I watch every Statham action movie back to back

Learnings Timez

Comic-Con Episode IV: A Fan’s Hope (April 6th)

This wonderful documentary following a group of folks from all over the country heading to Comic-Con for various reasons really captures what the Con experience is like. I cried like four times. It was a problem. Make sure to go see it if you can!

When Am I Seeing It? Seen it! Love it!

Chimpanzee (April 20th)

The latest in Disney’s new tradition of releasing nature related docs around Earth Day, this Tim Allen narrated flick follows the life of baby chimp Oscar. The trailer is so cute, it’s almost unbearable and may result in you googling baby chimpanzees for hours. Consider yourself warned.

When Am I Seeing It? Do these ever air on TV? Cause if so, I will TOTALLY have it on in the background one day. I mean, I didn’t go see African Cats in theaters and I’m MISS cat, so I can’t imagine making the effort to see this one.

Marley (April 20th)

The long awaited doc from director Kevin MacDonald (The Last King of Scotland) that chronicles the life and music of Bob Marley. The film was made with the full support of the Marley family and is a must for any fan of the legendary artist.

When Am I Seeing It? A screening the week it opens, to be precise. Super excited.

Coming To A Theater Near You…Maybe…Timez…

Damsels in Distress (April 6th)

The long awaited fourth movie from Wilt Stillman (Metropolitan, Barcelona, The Last Days of Disco) opens after what seems an eternity. It follows a trio of girls who aim to alter their male dominated campus for good. Greta Gerwig leads a cast of “wait, I know her/him!” actors including Aubrey Plaza, Analeigh Tipton, Megan Echikunwoke, Hugo Becker and Billy Magnussen, plus newcomers Carrie MacLemore and Ryan Metcalf, and old timer Adam Brody. The trailer rules and I want to see it immediately.

When Am I Seeing It? As soon as possible.

Detention (April 13th)

This indie apocalyptic fantasy, horror, science fiction, action- thriller, body swapping, time-traveling teen romantic comedy” opening next week stars Josh Hutcherson, which alone piques the interest of oh roughly 95% of everyone I know. Guys. My friends LOVE Peeta. It’s mostly positive reviews are what will be getting me in the door. Drew McWeeny has described the film as Weird Science meets Heathers, which I am ALL over.

When Am I Seeing It? Sometimes things like this come down to who is down to see it with me, and this is one of the few films on here that guaranteed I’ll have no problem getting people to come with me to. Hail the power of the Hutch.

Sound of my Voice (April 27th)

This flick, in which Brit Marling co-writes, co-produces and co-stars, after doing the same with last year’s Another Earth, was beloved at SXSW and Sundance in 2011 and subsequently picked up by Fox Searchlight. In the film, two documentary filmmakers infiltrate a cult and discover that its leader claims to be from the future. This “sci fi or isn’t it?” movie shot in just 18 days on a shoestring budget is tense, thrilling, and will stay under your skin long after you see it.

When Am I Seeing It? Already seen it and love it.

Headhunters (April 27th)

I’ve been hearing about this Norweigan heist thriller since AFI Fest 2011 and am still pissed I missed the midnight screening there. It’s about a corporate headhunter by day, art thief by night, who gets in deep when he conspires to steal a valuable painting from a former mercenary played by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau aka Jamie Lannister aka ummmm yes. The film has almost universally glowing reviews and is in talks to be remade for American audiences.

When Am I Seeing It? Opening week.

Bernie (April 27th)

A new Richard Linklater film? What? When? How did I not know about this? This mockuemntary-ish dark comedy starring Jack Black as a mortician who kills a wealthy widow than tries to convince their small Texas town that she is still alive received solid response from SXSW. It’s based on a true story that was chronicled in Texas Monthly, which makes the whole thing WAY creepier. Sounds kinda nice to imagine seeing Jack Black actually be good in something again, doesn’t it?

When Am I Seeing It? Not sure this is a huge priority for me, but I expect to catch it on DVD.

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Tags: American Reunion, Bernie, Chimpanzee, Comic-Con Episode IV: A Fan's Hope, Damsels in Distress, Detention, Headhunters, Lockout, Marley, Safe, Sound of my Voice, The cabin in the woods, The Five-Year Engagement, The Lucky One, The Pirates!, The Raven, The Three Stooges, Think Like a Man, Titanic 3D

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