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Eric D. Snider

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Eric has been a film critic since 1999, and a beard wearer since 2008. He holds a degree in journalism and used to work in "the newspaper industry," back when that was a thing.

2013 Film Titles: A Dramatic Reading

This-Is-The-End-Rogen-Franco-Hill (2)

And now, two playlets in which the dialogue is composed entirely of 2013 movie titles (U.S. theatrical releases).

Playlet 1

An atheist who believes global climate change will soon kill Mother Earth has a conversation with a Christian who believes global warming is a hoax and the Earth is fine.

ATHEIST: This is the end. The heat, it’s a disaster! After Earth catching fire, oblivion! No one lives.
CHRISTIAN: Epic paranoia. Let the fire burn. The world’s end? No, maniac.
ATHEIST: All is lost!
CHRISTIAN: Much ado about nothing, old boy. Reality: Nebraska frozen. Enough said.
ATHEIST: The east Europa reportMud! Olympus has fallen! Pacific rim aftershock! Warm bodies!
CHRISTIAN: (gazing heavenward) Ain’t them bodies saints? God loves Uganda. Love is all you need in a world.
ATHEIST: (scoffing) Stories we tell fill the void. Escape from tomorrow at any price, if I were you.
CHRISTIAN: (mocking him) Escape from planet Earth? Getaway out of the furnace, turbo planes reaching for the moon? I’m so excited!
ATHEIST: (under his breath) Dealin’ with idiots as I lay dying
CHRISTIAN: The act of killing her? “Mama”the host, the great beauty? Wrong. All is bright! Safe haven, beautiful creatures, the canyons, free birds out of the clear blue skyHunky dory!
ATHEIST: Thanks for sharing an oversimplification of her beauty. A dark truth: you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Dark skies, killing season. The end of time. The last stand!
CHRISTIAN: (shaking his head sadly) Caught in the web. Free the mind, Crystal Fairy!

(Unable to agree, they change the subject.)

CHRISTIAN: Somebody up there likes me. I’m in love with a church girl!
ATHEIST: From up on poppy hill?
CHRISTIAN: Beyond the hills. The place beyond the pines.
ATHEIST: Fruitvale Station? Red flag. Broken city.
CHRISTIAN: (aghast) The big weddingwe’re the Millers!
ATHEIST: I give it a year.

(Exeunt.)

* * *

The Counselor

Playlet 2

A 6’4″ felon is visited in prison by his attorney. They meet in an interview room overlooking the prison yard.

FELON: Philomena Parker the counselor!
ATTORNEY: Don Jon the book thief.

(Felon clears his throat.)

ATTORNEY: Identity thief.

(They shake hands and sit down.)

FELON: Admission: escape plan before midnight. A hijacking. Two guns, a single shot, bullet to the head.
ATTORNEY: About time. Come out and play!
FELON: (pretending to rob her) Gimme the loot!

(They laugh together.)

ATTORNEY: Prisoners. Zero charisma.
FELON: We are what we are. (looking out the window, admiringly) Machete kills like someone in love.
MACHETE: (yelling from outside) NOW you see me!
FELON: (smiling as he gazes wistfully out the window into the prison yard) Greedy lying bastards, the anonymous peoplethe family.
ATTORNEY: The company you keep
FELON: (pointing to some of the inmates) Cutie and the boxer? Drinking buddies. Simon Killer, Charlie Countryman? Romeo and Juliet. Hell, baby, here comes the devil, Snitch!
ATTORNEY: (teasing him) Is the man who is tall happy? Touchy feely?
FELON: (suddenly turning vicious) You’re next. (smiling again; he was joking) Frances? Ha!

(Exeunt.)


Categories: Columns

Tags: Eric d. snider, LOL, The movies of 2013

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