Eric D. Snider December 17, 2013
And now, two playlets in which the dialogue is composed entirely of 2013 movie titles (U.S. theatrical releases).
An atheist who believes global climate change will soon kill Mother Earth has a conversation with a Christian who believes global warming is a hoax and the Earth is fine.
ATHEIST: This is the end. The heat, it’s a disaster! After Earth catching fire, oblivion! No one lives.
CHRISTIAN: Epic paranoia. Let the fire burn. The world’s end? No, maniac.
ATHEIST: All is lost!
CHRISTIAN: Much ado about nothing, old boy. Reality: Nebraska frozen. Enough said.
ATHEIST: The east Europa report — Mud! Olympus has fallen! Pacific rim aftershock! Warm bodies!
CHRISTIAN: (gazing heavenward) Ain’t them bodies saints? God loves Uganda. Love is all you need in a world.
ATHEIST: (scoffing) Stories we tell fill the void. Escape from tomorrow at any price, if I were you.
CHRISTIAN: (mocking him) Escape from planet Earth? Getaway out of the furnace, turbo planes reaching for the moon? I’m so excited!
ATHEIST: (under his breath) Dealin’ with idiots as I lay dying…
CHRISTIAN: The act of killing her? “Mama” — the host, the great beauty? Wrong. All is bright! Safe haven, beautiful creatures, the canyons, free birds out of the clear blue sky… Hunky dory!
ATHEIST: Thanks for sharing an oversimplification of her beauty. A dark truth: you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Dark skies, killing season. The end of time. The last stand!
CHRISTIAN: (shaking his head sadly) Caught in the web. Free the mind, Crystal Fairy!
(Unable to agree, they change the subject.)
CHRISTIAN: Somebody up there likes me. I’m in love with a church girl!
ATHEIST: From up on poppy hill?
CHRISTIAN: Beyond the hills. The place beyond the pines.
ATHEIST: Fruitvale Station? Red flag. Broken city.
CHRISTIAN: (aghast) The big wedding … we’re the Millers!
ATHEIST: I give it a year.
* * *
A 6’4″ felon is visited in prison by his attorney. They meet in an interview room overlooking the prison yard.
(Felon clears his throat.)
ATTORNEY: Identity thief.
(They shake hands and sit down.)
(They laugh together.)
ATTORNEY: Prisoners. Zero charisma.
FELON: We are what we are. (looking out the window, admiringly) Machete kills like someone in love.
MACHETE: (yelling from outside) NOW you see me!
FELON: (smiling as he gazes wistfully out the window into the prison yard) Greedy lying bastards, the anonymous people — the family.
ATTORNEY: The company you keep…
FELON: (pointing to some of the inmates) Cutie and the boxer? Drinking buddies. Simon Killer, Charlie Countryman? Romeo and Juliet. Hell, baby, here comes the devil, Snitch!
ATTORNEY: (teasing him) Is the man who is tall happy? Touchy feely?
FELON: (suddenly turning vicious) You’re next. (smiling again; he was joking) Frances? Ha!
Categories: ColumnsTags: Eric d. snider, LOL, The movies of 2013