Eric D. Snider December 13, 2012
And now, a playlet in which the dialogue is composed entirely of 2012 movie titles.
[A guy and his girlfriend are driving around in his car.]
GUY: On the road. Wanderlust! Where do we go now, amour?
GIRL: The best exotic marigold hotel?
GUY: [shaking his head] Safety not guaranteed. The innkeepers: lawless headhunters, beasts of the Southern wild.
GIRL: Moonrise Kingdom? Hotel Transylvania?
GUY: I wish! This is not a film.
GIRL: “Casa de mi padre.”
GUY: The cabin in the woods?
GIRL: The house I live in. Safe house, silent house.
GUY: Safe?! No. Battleship! What to expect when you’re expecting parental guidance: a thousand words. The guilt trip. Sleepless night. Sound of noise. The impossible hysteria!
GIRL: Hope springs…
GUY: The dictator — the master — the man with the iron fists won’t back down! This means war.
GIRL: [scoffing] Think like a man, goon!
GUY: [relenting] Compliance. Brave act of valor for greater glory…
[They drive toward her neighborhood.]
[They see someone in the window of the house and squint to look closer.]
GIRL: Keep the lights on. The grey, dark shadows sparkle…
GUY: [gasps] Holy motors! The devil inside!
GIRL: The queen of Versailles??
GUY: My worst nightmare: your sister’s sister!
GIRL: The woman in black?!
GUY: Sinister, haywire American animal!
GIRL: Hit and run!
[But before Guy can pull away from the curb, Girl’s parents have spotted them and come outside.]
[They get out of the car. Girl hugs her parents; Guy shakes their hands.]
FATHER: The five-year engagement…
GUY: Here comes the boom.
FATHER: Playing for keeps?
GUY: Save the date around June. A royal affair!
FATHER: The vow? That’s my boy!
GIRL: [whispering] Man on a ledge…
GUY: [whispering] Little white lies. Killing them softly.
[They all go inside, where it turns out many of the Girl’s other family members are gathered.]
GIRL: [introducing her boyfriend to everyone] The collection: Jack Reacher, John Carter, Alex Cross, Ruby Sparks, Magic Mike, Wreck-It Ralph, Killer Joe…
GUY: People like us? High school friends with kids?
GIRL: [under her breath] Seven psychopaths. Savages.
KILLER JOE: [shaking Guy’s hand] Hello, I must be going. Project X contraband stolen. [confidentially] Kill list.
GUY: The lucky one.
GIRL: [looking around] The other son? Jeff, who lives at home?
MOTHER: Gone chasing mavericks. Two days in New York, flight to Rome with love, salmon fishing in the Yemen!
FATHER: [rolling his eyes] Liberal arts.
MOTHER: The odd life of Timothy Green!
GUY: [gesturing at unmentioned young boy] The kid with a bike?
FATHER: The imposter.
MOTHER: The paperboy.
FATHER: Shut up and play the hits, fun size! “Rock of Ages”!
[The Paperboy commences his duties as DJ for the family gathering, puts on some Def Leppard.]
FATHER: [satisfied] Pitch perfect!
[Girl’s sister sidles up to Guy, clearly very drunk.]
GIRL’S SISTER: Searching for Sugar Man. Seeking a friend for the end of the world? Sleepwalk with me??
GUY: [seeking help] Darling companion! How to survive a plague?
GIRL’S SISTER: For a good time, call–
GIRL: Take this waltz, Anna Karenina.
GIRL’S SISTER: [as she leaves] Bully!
GIRL: [to Guy] Girl in progress. Smashed.
GUY: The perks of being a wallflower.
[Meteor falls from sky, hits Earth, kills all. The end.]
Categories: FeaturesTags: Amour, Battleship, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Casa de mi Padre, Hotel Transylvania, Moonrise Kingdom, On the Road, Safe House, Safety Not Guaranteed, Silent House, The best exotic marigold hotel, The cabin in the woods, The House I Live In, The innkeepers: lawless headhunters, The master, This is Not A Film, Wanderlust, What to Expect when you're Expecting, Where do we go now