Eric D. Snider April 10, 2012
1. If there’s only one person with a British accent, that person is the villain.
2. Any plan deemed “just crazy enough to work” will, in fact, work. Any plan deemed “foolproof,” “simple,” or “perfect” will fail.
3. If someone goes over a very high waterfall, all observers will assume he or she cannot possibly have survived and will consider that person dead. In fact, however, the person always survives. No one ever actually dies from going over an apparently deadly waterfall.
4. If a woman is nauseated, she is pregnant. Pregnancy is the only known cause of nausea in females.
5. Something can happen at 2 a.m. and still be in the newspaper that arrives on people’s doorsteps four hours later.
6. Any attempt to move something heavy by attaching a chain or rope to it and attaching the other end to the back of a car and driving forward will only result in the car’s bumper being torn off.
7. Uniformed police officers are young, idealistic, and married. Plain-clothes detectives are middle-aged, cynical, and divorced, and either drink a lot or are recovering alcoholics.
8. You can’t successfully commit suicide via wrist-slitting. All it does is leave you with scars that will serve as notification to other people down the road that you once attempted suicide.
9. If extra-terrestrials ever come to Earth, they will already speak perfect English and know all about human culture. But there will be something basic and obvious — like the custom of handshakes, or the use of sarcasm — that they won’t have heard of and will be totally baffled by.
10. The best place to be on the run is Mexico because there is always a local festival or parade going on that involves the wearing of masks, enabling pursued persons to disappear into the crowd.
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