Speed Racer! It looks colorful, fast, and kitschy! It was directed by the Wachowski brothers, who made The Matrix! (And two disappointing sequels, but we've forgotten about those!) SPEED RACER!

Guess what? I don't know anyone who's excited to see it.

Interested, sure. Some folks are mildly interested. The preview suggests the film has a lot of pep, and the bright, Sunday-comics colors certainly catch the eye. Audiences might be drawn in by that. People are a lot like raccoons, in that we are attracted to shiny objects.

But what about the story? A guy named Speed Racer races speedily. There are villains, apparently. Um, is that it? Other than the colorfulness and the Wachowski connection, what reason has Warner Bros. given us to see the film? Or are they expecting us to see it simply as our solemn duty to see everything that we're told is a summer blockbuster?

I suspect they're hoping that nostalgia will play a part. They assume people will remember the 1960s cartoon series it's based on and take their kids to see this new incarnation. I can't shake the feeling, though, that this will play out like most other live-action movies based on cartoons. Films like Fat Albert, Josie & the Pussycats, and Scooby-Doo were, to put it bluntly, terrible. They sought to trade on nostalgia that simply didn't exist (who cared about Josie & the Pussycats?), or to appeal to young viewers who were 20 years too young to remember the cartoons being referenced. Yeah, people of a certain age remember Speed Racer. But does anyone love it?

And you know, I gotta say, the Wachowskis' weirdness isn't helping matters any. This isn't The Dark Knight, where people will see it no matter what they've heard or what publicity they've seen. Speed Racer, whether Warner Bros. will admit it or not, is a tough sell. And the Wachowskis don't do interviews -- which is fine if they're making bizarre niche flicks or dystopian sci-fi thrillers. But Speed Racer is a kids' movie. It's rated PG and aimed at young people. For THAT they're going to be all reclusive and quirky? Get over yourselves. Go do some Nickelodeon promos. "Ooh, we're too artistic and eccentric to do press for our live-action cartoon about a race car driver." Auteurs, please.

So far, all of the "hype" surrounding the film is entirely studio-generated. Moviegoers aren't talking about it excitedly the way they talk about Iron Man, The Dark Knight, Pineapple Express, and some of the summer's other big titles. They're aware of it, but awareness is not the same thing as interest. If that were true, then all of America would be "interested" in Paris Hilton, which obviously is not the case.

In fact, Paris Hilton is a good analogy to the Speed Racer movie. The flick is famous only because someone (Warner Bros.) told us it was famous. Its success is a foregone conclusion simply because, well, it's so famous! Of COURSE people will see it! But when the rubber actually meets the road -- like when Paris released a CD -- will the public care? I don't know. I think you have to actually DO something for audiences to give you their money. And so far there's no indication that Speed Racer plans to do anything other than bombard us with colors and drive around in circles.

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Eric D. Snider (website) wouldn't be interested in Speed Racer's line of clothing or perfume, either.

Now You Decide...

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