So Paris Hilton has a new reality show, which probably means she's on the short list to host the Emmys next year. Let's be honest, she couldn't be any worse than Heidi Klum & Co. I think the Academy is actually considering taking back the Best Reality Host category after seeing how its nominees butchered the ceremony. Thanks for nothing, Seacrest!

Speaking of, Ryan Seacrest seems like the ideal candidate for Paris' new MTV reality series, Paris Hilton's My New BFF. They're already business partners in a new scripted television venture -- why, universe, why? -- and both are equally loathed by the general public. I actually have a great idea for a new reality show. It involves shipping Paris and Ryan to a deserted island. That's it. The end. Who's with me?

Until I sell that show to E!, we're stuck with Paris on MTV, where she'll pretend to look for a new best friend now that Nicole Richie's busy with real responsibilites like raising a daughter. I hear Audrina Patridge is available! She'll need someone to get her into Les Deux now that she's reportedly moved out of Lauren and Lo's house in The Hills.

Paris has said "there's nothing that's really hard" about being her friend, and I believe her. Case in point: The No. 1 item on her BFF checklist is, "Likes the color pink." Other requirements include always looking hot, resisting the urge to hit on Paris' boyfriend, and ability to show emotion. Oops! Sorry, Audrina.

Contenders for the BFF position include Brit, described as "the rocker who can't get enough cereal" (seriously); Kayley, who works in a tanning salon and happens to be Clark Gable's granddaughter; and Zui, a self-professed "Internet celebrity." Oddly, when I Googled "Zui," I got zilch. Interesting.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF premieres on MTV Sept 30.

Speaking of bad ideas:

The Hills
The Hills gets practically Shakespearian when Lauren debates whether to renew her friendship with Holly, despite the fact that she is a dreaded Montag (i.e. sister of sworn enemy Heidi Montag): "I love her. She was one of my really good friends. I just don't want to cause more problems." Is it a coincidence that the surname Montag is eerily similar to Montague, as in Romeo and Juliet? Just saying. (10 p.m. Mondays, MTV)

America's Next Top Model
Tyra puts on a giant tiara and makes the models eat pizza as she tells a story about how she made over her career when she started getting too fat to be a runway model. She follows this up with a bizarre re-enactment of Snow White in which Jay and Mr. Jay play the wicked witch and Prince Charming. The girls look alarmed, though whether it's from Tyra drooling over an apple and pretending to faint or from being confronted with actual food, I can't be sure. (8 p.m. Wednesdays, The CW)

Project Runway
Lindsay Lohan tapes a guest judge appearance for the sixth season premiere of Project Runway. Oh, wait, is this season not over yet? I had actually requested that someone wake me when season five is over. (9 p.m. Wednesdays, Bravo)

The Rachel Zoe Project
Rachel's high-strung assistant, Brad, freaks out when a FedEx delivery carrying Debra Messing's designer gown for the SAG Awards is delayed: "I don't understand how a plane just stops in Tennessee because of the weather. I've flown through, like, literally the plane almost cracking in half. I'm, like, really upset. I'm literally on the verge of tears." Pop quiz: Later in the season, Brad a) has a nervous breakdown or b) winds up on a mysterious tropical island inhabited by people who are prone to flashbacks. That's what happens when you insist on flying through inclement weather. (10 p.m. Tuesdays, Bravo)

The Cho Show
With her 40th birthday approaching, Margaret considers plastic surgery and consults Joan Rivers for advice. (Margaret's mom on Joan: "Oh, she was very old even when you were small.") Later, she wonders if she should just get more tattoos to cover her wrinkles. Or she could just be Asian. I hear that's a pretty good anti-aging strategy. (11 p.m. Thursdays, VH1)

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