How to Save the Golden Globes

It's the shot heard 'round the entertainment world today: The Golden Globes -- as we have come to know them -- have essentially been cancelled. The entire gala is kaput this year. The winners will be announced on some half-assed, condensed one-hour show on NBC that nobody will have any interest watching. See, the actors aren't ready to cross any picket lines (which is great news for the WGA) and celebrate themselves over expensive champagne. I wonder if the Academy is starting to get nervous? Hmmm.

If I was the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, I'd be extremely concerned about this. Without the stars to distract us and make people's eyes all glassy, people might start asking questions. Questions like, "Just what the hell is the Hollywood Foreign Press? Why should we watch? And who in their right mind would nominate Julia Roberts' awful (AW-FUL) performance in Charlie Wilson's War?"

We've always known the mysterious Hollywood Foreign Press Association was made up of jokers of a certain sort. Nobody really knows who its members are. They're like some chthonic skull-and-bones sect, but instead of world domination, they're just happy being the thorn in the Oscars' side. They're not unlike a lot of other questionable critical groups (cough, National Board of Review, cough). The difference is this: they're on TV and they get the stars. A shade-wearing, teeth-grinning Jack always gets a front row seat. TV stars are in the toilet when their names get announced for wins. The Globes show is nowhere near as uptight as the Oscars. They let their hair down and they get splattered with love. It's Hollywood's favorite joke of a party, and it's over. At least this year it is.

Without the writers, without the movie clips and without the actors, the Hollywood Foreign Press is one nekkid emperor. And despite all of this, I kind of like the Golden Globes event. I like variety and the show offers that. Nothing sucks more than watching the Academy Awards show repeat the Globe victories. In the spirit of saving the awards show this year, I'd like to offer a few ideas:

1. Hire Carrot Top to host
I seriously doubt Carrot Top is a member of either SAG or the WGA, so the coast is clear. Plus, he's used to performing for an empty room. Zing! It's like Groucho said, "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." And by "me," Groucho meant "Carrot Top." You know Carrot could pull Golden Globes out of a trunk and find all sorts of funny gags for them. For example, Javier Bardem's Globe could be fashioned into a miniature cattle gun. He'd make some joke like, "Good thing Casey Affleck and Philip Seymour Hoffman aren't all around!" You know the drill: Ellen Page's Globe could be covered in a blueberry condom and so on...

2. Invite the presidential candidates to discuss their thoughts on the WGA strike
This would replace movie clips throughout the night. Why shy away from the WGA strike hysteria when you can exploit it? If there's one thing Hollywood knows how to do, it's exploitation. I was watching the presidential debates over the weekend and all the candidates were puffing their chests to see who would prove to be tougher against Islamic extremism and who would react more harshly if a nuclear bomb were set off in Dallas or whatnot. You know what? Talk to me about something more tangible. Tell me what you're going to do when Lost's eight episodes are over and how you're going to handle that cluster-muck.

3. Let the cast of Kid Nation run and present the show
Carrot Top and kids goes together about as well as kids and needles chock-full of heroin and that, my friends, makes for great TV. You let the kids work the cameras, the painful pre-award banter (it really can't get any worse), the awkward backstage interviews (no more Dick Clark!): tell me this wouldn't work. I'd be willing to bet the kids go Lord of the Flies within the first half hour of the show and Carrot Top would end up as the Piggy of the group -- with an apple in his mouth, tied up and rotating over a blazing fire in an open pit. NBC would have a moral dilemma and it would make for riveting television. Do we keep rolling? Ha-ha, of course you do silly network executive.

Anyway, these were my thoughts. I challenge you, Hollywood Foreign Press Association, to take me up on them.

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Dre writes three times a week for Film.com. Email him!

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