As many of you already know, Nicole Kidman has a new movie due out called Invasion. This film has been plagued with trouble, with original director Oliver Hirschbiegel getting dumped after an early cut of the film screened for producer Joel Silver (the Wachowski Brothers ended up rewriting the script and V for Vendetta director James McTeigue shot the new pages). Still, I like the trailer and the flick looks fairly promising. It's yet another adaptation (the fourth, actually) of Jack Finney's novel, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, about the human race being taken over by an alien species that inhabits our own bodies. A human becomes devoid of all emotion, communal rather than individualistic... much like the Borg.

The more I thought about this, the more I wondered... what if this has already happened? What if alien seeds have been planted and one by one the snatchers are tightening their grip on the human race? And if this really was happening, how subversive would it be for the aliens to rub it in our face with one of our biggest stars? That's right. Nicole Kidman... alien! Consider the evidence:

1. She married Tom Cruise
This is what I like to refer to as Exhibit A. Cruise gets it on the chin more than anybody so it's easy to feel for the guy. He usually makes good movies and he can be an underrated actor. True. The problem is he's a bit of a wackadoo. I mean like from another planet. I've never been bothered by the whole Scientology thing. There are many belief systems in place that require a whole lot of faith and bizarre acceptance. And maybe, just maybe the Scientology stuff was designed as a distraction from keeping your eye on the prize. Ever consider that? Now, it's true that it looks good separating yourself from a wackadoo but people are always going to raise their eyebrows around Kidman. What made her do it? What did he have on her?

2. Her seemingly liberal use of Botox
A few weeks ago Nicole couldn't make it to Comic-Con to promote Invasion and had to send one of those "Sorry, I couldn't make it there, you losers" messages through four massive JumboTrons. Poor form, Warner Bros. The JumboTrons exposed Kidman's Botox-induced melting face. A pin to the cheekbone and she'd look like a three cheese omelet. That will NOT help ticket sales (and for some reason this scene came to mind) so I can only assume these injections are means to prevent a total face collapse that would unleash the demon monster from outer space we all know to be hidden inside. Duh.

3. She's a Cold-Hearted Snake
Kidman is at her best playing cold characters. We don't like her in those warm, southern belle type roles (let's just say she put the "cold" in Cold Mountain). We like her in To Die For where she has to play a vindictive phony set on murdering her husband. Or in The Others where she plays someone so uptight she - it is revealed - snaps in a horrific way. She isn't lovable, just enviable. Plus, I'm basing this one on experience. Never once has Kidman offered to "enjoy" my company and I've been waiting what ... fifteen years now? Come on, Nicole. I got the Latin heat. Remember what Einstein taught us? Latin Heat + Beer Gut + Comic Book Collection = Lifetime of Passion.

That's all I can say for now. The rest I'm saving for the book I'm writing on the same subject. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm being watched. In the meantime, you stay safe America. They might be all around us already.

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