Sure, the MTV Video Music Awards are an anachronism, a relic of a time when the art form was fresh and the channel still cared about music. And the nominated videos in recent years have tended to be a simple rundown of popular songs, with no pretense of honoring the clips as filmmaking. Still, since MTV needs an excuse to throw a big annual party, it might as well hang onto the VMAs.

Did this year's edition bring any excitement, any surprise, any Diana Ross grabbing the boob of a fellow presenter? The answers: two qualified nos and one definite no.

9 PM: The show begins with Britney Spears in a stunningly unfunny backstage skit with Jonah Hill. The whole "Britney returning to the scene of the crime" subplot has dominated the pre-show publicity, fitting since both the VMAs and Britney's career in general have become completely self-referential of late.

9:03: The first song of the night: a coterie of dancers accompanying the now-endemic goat-like drone of Rihanna.

9:08: Russell Brand bounds onstage to begin his hosting stint. Let's see how the relative unknown does.

9:10: Brand pokes fun at his obscurity and odd appearance: "Without fame, this haircut could be mistaken for mental illness," he says though no one laughs. And oh my! He just denounced the Republican party and made a pitch to elect Obama. This sort of advice always goes over well at awards shows, and is particularly popular when delivered by a guy with a foreign accent. Brand then launches into a long series of jokes about the kid who knocked up Bristol Palin, and the Jonas Brothers' avowed virginity.

9:15 An award! Jamie Foxx, who has had a quiet 2008, bestows the Best Female Video honors. Britney ends up winning for "Piece of Me," her long awaited first win ever. Hey, it could have been "I Kissed a Girl" winning, so this is one time I'll be glad to see Britney. She thanks God, her sons, and her fans.

9:19 Pete Wentz, who has less rock cred at this point than David Archuleta, chats up Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

9:26 "It's already been an amazing evening, " says Brand, convincing at least himself. Demi Moore, one of the few people watching other than me who can remember the first VMAs, is here to hand out the Best Male Video award. Chris Brown, who is nearly as boring as his girlfriend, accepts for "With You."

9:30 Nashville teenage wallpaper Taylor Swift introduces the Jonas Brothers, who are out on the backlot all authentic-like. The kid singer has a higher voice than Rihanna. Their simple acoustic number transitions into a rock blowout complete with screaming teens. It's close enough to genuinely exciting for MTV.

9:38: They've come back from commercial with Katy Perry singing the last 30 seconds of "I Kissed a Girl." Damn, just one more ad and we would have missed the whole thing!

9:40: Michael Phelps is there to introduce Lil' Wayne. OK, that's a juxtaposition I hadn't really figured on ... Leona Lewis and her oversinging lead into the heavily bleeped Lil' Wayne, who as usual looks really, really frightening. T-Pain then bounces in to add that annoying touch only he can provide. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I kinda miss the Jonas Brothers.

9:47: The award for Best Dancing in a Video goes to the Pussycat Dolls. Since all they do is dance, this really wasn't a fair fight. The Dolls make it three-for-three on thank yous to God, and Nicole Scherzinger adds a shout-out to the troops.

9:57: Four of the least famous people on earth, who are apparently the stars of the upcoming film Twilight, are on stage and in over their heads, seemingly lost in prompter hell. Brand steps in to rescue them and introduces Paramore, which is performing a few miles away at the Whisky A Go Go.

10:07: Brand isn't terrible, but his sensibility isn't at all meshing with this audience and the disconnect is apparent at home.

10:08: Slash comes onstage with Shia LaBeouf to present the Best Rock Video award. Linkin Park, one of the few bands in the world whose lead singer sounds whinier than that Jonas kid, ends up winning. Slash looks like he's wondering what became of rock n' roll. Hey, talk to your old pal Axl. I blame him.

10:11: Miley Cyrus pauses her game of Rock Band to introduce Pink, performing her new single. The song isn't great, but it's by far the best spectacle of the night, and she seems to be having a great time.

10:20: Back from a break to hear the Ting Tings doing that dumb iPod song.

10:21: Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson both, with baby chat. I'm missing Mad Men for this.

10:22: After another taking another shot at Republicans, Brand brings out Slipknot to announce the Best Hip-Hop Video. Lil' Wayne wins for "Lollipop." He thanks God as well.

10:26: I wouldn't have counted on Jordin Sparks to deliver the most pointed snark of the night, but she addresses Brand's little shots at "promise rings." Unfortunately, in so doing she implies that if you don't have a ring, you're a slut. Hey, it's something unscripted and for that I thank her.

10:29: Rihanna is back. I'm not at all paranoid ... but really, you guys are doing this just to piss me off, arentcha?

10:34: Prediction: all the political pokes Brand has taken, which have gone beyond anything I can remember seeing on any awards show much less the VMAs, will make this year's show as newsworthy as last year's.

10:37: Some of the High School Musical kids introduce Christina Aguilera, who didn't have any new music this year. Xtina seems to have left the '40s stuff behind, which is good; but she's opening with a Eurodisco take on her first hit, "Genie In a Bottle, " which is just unspeakable. This then segues into another characterless dance number. What is with this show?

10:42: Brand apologizes for his anti-promise ring rant. I'm sure the MTV switchboards have been on fire.

10:43: Lauren Conrad, wearing what looks like an apron, and Chace Crawford present Best New Artist to Tokio Hotel. How did these German poseurs beat out Miley Cyrus? At least they didn't thank Gott, or even God.

10:51: Paris Hilton will present the Best Pop Video award. I have nothing to add. Well, except that Britney won another award, which if I'm not mistaken is going to one of the videos that she hardly appeared in because she was so addled. There's a message there.

10:59: Brand just took a quick but obvious shot at Jordin Sparks. Ouch.

11:00: Kid Rock is on to do that stupid Warren Zevon/Skynyrd mash-up ... (cheats a quick look at the tennis) ... Lil' Wayne shows up for an unexpected cameo. This song makes repeated references to "smokin' funny things," which I guess you're allowed to do on MTV when you look like Kid Rock.

11:10: Kobe Bryant presents Video of the Year, which goes again to Britney. MTV, ahead of the curve as always.

11:13: Kanye West is ending the show, and from the sound of things he's now bored with rap, and he's now decided he's Marvin Gaye.

If this night is any indication, videos are in healthier shape than Gaye, but not by much.

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