It's that special time of year again, kids. There's a sense of eager anticipation in the air. The children are excited. Friends and family gather 'round the living room. Yes, you know what I'm talking about: it's The Hills season finale!

I am alerted to the fact that the show has begun by the first of what will prove to be a limitless string of text messages from Laremy. "Do you want to write the damn recap?" I text back. He does not. He just wants to bother me.

As does Teen Vogue West Coast editor Lisa Love, apparently, who psyches out Lauren by inviting Whitney to go to Paris, but responds that Lauren "already had her chance" to go to Paris. I want to slap her through the TV screen. Lauren has worked her butt off and deserves a second chance, and eventually she gets one; Lisa calls her into her office to tell her that she is, in fact, going to Paris. Ah, made-for-TV drama. Lauren is psyched. She basically floats back into the office to tell Whitney. Yay!

This means she has to tell Brody she's leaving. Brody puts some half-assed effort into creating some drama by suggesting that he's gonna miss Lauren and perhaps she shouldn't go (there's an amusing reference to stinky Frenchmen), but everyone in this hemisphere knows that Lauren is going to Paris. Hooray!

Meanwhile, there's Spencer/Heidi drama, which is boring but wonderful because all I want to see is the demise of this couple. After walking out on a fight with Heidi, Spencer has lunch with his evil sister, who suggests she send Heidi an email (Laremy's text: "Who sends their fiancée a freaking email??"). Even Spencer knows better than that, because he shows up at Heidi's work to try to make amends, but Heidi sends a coworker out to tell him she's not there. The next time they see each other, Heidi is packing her bags to go home to Colorado for awhile. They have some dumb conversation about their future, or lack thereof. (Laremy's text: "I want to set Spencer on fire.") I want to set Spencer on fire, too.

The show closes with Lauren and Whitney actually getting on a plane to Paris. (Did I mention how wonderful it is to get to write the word "Paris" over and over again without writing "Hilton" after it? Liberating, really.) Spencer is sad. Heidi is driving away. (Really? You're not gonna take a plane all the way to Colorado, Heids?) And my Monday nights are free again!

See ya next season, kids!

The Evil Beet
Celebrity gossip with an evil twist.

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