A couple weeks ago I made a list of 10 films scheduled for 2008 that I would see right now if I had access to a time machine. This seemed a little too optimistic and uncynical. What about all the bad movies of 2008? Shouldn't I complain about them, in advance, before I've even seen them? Obviously. So here are:

TEN 2008 FILMS THAT I WOULD USE A TIME MACHINE TO AVOID SEEING
(in chronological order)

Over Her Dead Body (Feb. 1)
A psychic woman helps a man contact his dead girlfriend whose ghost tries to prevent the man and the psychic from falling in love! Wacky! And cute! And please kill me!

College Road Trip (March 7)
Raven-Symone stars as an honor-roll high school student who takes a drive around the country to find her ideal college, but her overprotective father secretly tails her to make sure she doesn't get into trouble. Sure, it sounds kind of lame, but did I mention Martin Lawrence plays the father? Now how lame does it sound? That's right, ten times lamer.

Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who (March 14)
After The Cat in the Hat, I'm not sure I ever want to see Dr. Seuss on the big screen again, even in animated form.

Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns (March 21)
No list of probably-bad movies would be complete without Tyler Perry! What I would be interested in seeing, though, is if this film and the last one were switched: Dr. Seuss' Meet the Browns and Tyler Perry's Horton Hears a Who. An urban melodrama about an elephant whose abusive spouse leaves him to care for their microscopic children, with every character voiced by Tyler Perry? Sold!

Sex and the City: The Movie (May 30)
Maybe it's because I never really watched the HBO series, but I have no interest whatsoever in seeing a haggard-looking gal and her brigade of libidinous 50-year-old friends on a self-absorbed journey through Manhattan in search of a nice pair of $800 shoes.

Get Smart (June 20)
First, the track record on TV adaptations is what you might charitably call "spotty." Second, while I love Steve Carell, a broad, slap-sticky role doesn't seem right for him. Third, it's from the director of Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, Anger Management, 50 First Dates, and The Longest Yard. That's not a resume. That's a rap sheet.

Mamma Mia! (July 18)
Sure, the songs of ABBA are catchy and hummable. But do they tell stories? Do they have messages? Or are they just generic, bland, meaningless pop songs? (Answer = C) Who wants to see a movie where a mediocre story has had ABBA songs crammed into it? OK, hundreds of thousands of Broadway-goers do, but you can't go by their tastes.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (Aug. 1)
Silly you. You thought the hilariously bad Scorpion King would have killed off this franchise. Not so! As long as Brendan Fraser needs work, which will be forever, there will be more Mummy movies.

He's Just Not That Into You (Aug. 1)
This movie is based on the book of the same name. I can't wait for the movie versions of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and Roget's Thesaurus!

Angels & Demons (Dec. 19)
Sure, a prequel is necessary because The Da Vinci Code left so many unanswered questions. For example: "Why was this book so popular?" and "Millions of people bought this book?" and "Really? Millions?" Here's hoping Tom Hanks and his drowned-muskrat hairstyle can solve these mysteries.

* * * * *
Eric D. Snider (website) was going to include Saw V but figured it goes without saying.

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