C. Robert Cargill,
Jun 23, 2008
Most bad movies are just bad. But occasionally, every so often, a bad movie rises out of the heap and achieves a level of badness that is actually really, truly enjoyable. So what is it that makes a bad movie so bad that it's good? Here are a few of the indicators.
1.) Big-Name Stars
Watching bad actors try to make their way through a lousy movie is rarely enjoyable. Watching great actors stumble through bad movies, however, is a thing of beauty. The more Oscars the better. Look at a film like The Core, which is a beautifully bad movie. Part of its charm is its collection of talent. Hilary Swank, Stanley Tucci, Delroy Lindo, Bruce Greenwood -- top-tier talent one and all -- were left to linger and suffer through a movie that dares to name the super-awesome, substance-protecting their ship "unobtainium." Or try watching someone like Ian McShane try to get through the horrendous expository dialogue of The Seeker: The Dark is Rising. You can almost see where they edited the film, as he must have sworn and demanded the head of his agent after the scene where he tried to explain how these lame magical stones work.
2.) Taking Itself Seriously
There are far too many bad movies that don't take themselves seriously. That's not funny. Really. It isn't. What's funny is watching a movie that thinks that it is not only going to be good ... but AWESOME! That's funny. Take for example Torque. Holy crap is that movie melted dung on a stick. But by the time Jaime Pressly is practicing the art of Motorcycle Fu in one of the most ridiculous fights you've ever seen, tell me you're not howling with laughter. Oh, and nothing satiates our thirst for a terrible film like melodrama: the more melodramatic the better. ESPECIALLY if we can get melodrama about something unfathomable like a magic device, a lost ancient city, or the end of the world as a result of the earth's molten core ceasing to spin.
3.) A Complete Separation From Reality
I'm not talking about science fiction or fantasy or anything like that. I'm talking about real world conventions, taken to a level that no longer resembles our reality. Take for example the shower room scene in The Covenant. No, not the one where the girl goes in to shower alone and we're shown nothing, the other one. You know the male buttocks-filled scene in which 20 naked or towel-sporting dudes stand around leaning against walls, smiling and chatting like they're in some sort of deodorant commercial. I swear, there are two guys standing bare-ass naked, standing less than two feet from one another, smiling and chatting about lord knows what. But I have an idea. If you think that's anything like reality, you probably also believe in Playboy Playmate slumber parties in which girls slap each other with pillows while wearing silky lingerie. And the Easter Bunny. This reason right here is why The Warriors remains a longtime favorite. If only street gangs had half the style and originality as The Warriors portrayed them. Mime gangs indeed.
4.) Invoking Other, Better Movies
Never, ever, ever ever mention another great movie in a crappy movie. It will only make us love you for sucking more. Great examples include the alien blowing up the Star Wars billboard in the classic baddie Laserblast or the beautiful line "F*ck Harry Potter!" in The Covenant.
5.) Bad Special Effects
Nothing spells awesome like C-H-E-A-P-S-E-T-S. And nothing tickles an audience like showing people terrified by a guy in a rubber suit. Or running from CG that wouldn't fool a child.
6.) Exploit! Exploit! Exploit!
Throw buckets of blood. Say really foul things that mess with the censors. But most importantly, if your cast has body parts the audience wants to see, by all means, show us. And do it as often as possible. Even when it is completely inappropriate to do so. I mean really, is there any other reason to watch The Color of Night or Showgirls?
7.) Refusal To Be Boring
The most important thing is not to bore the audience. Movies that are dull can never be really great. No. They have to constantly astound us with the levels to which they can sink. They need ramped-up scores; tense action against bad special effects; intense moments of dialogue explaining the pseudoscience of the wackiness about to ensue... Just keep us riveted and wondering, "What the hell were they thinking?"
Editor's Note: Want more? We discussed this very issue in last week's podcast.
