As I'm sure many of you have by now heard, Maxim magazine recently named Sarah Jessica Parker the world's "Unsexiest" Woman. Perhaps it's her unique style of beauty you find unsexy, or her demeanor, eh, Maxim? No, the magazine merely states that she is "unsexy," which, incidentally, is not a word. But you know, who better than a men's magazine to tell women whether they're sexy or not, right? One wishes they'd used clearly defined parameters when making this list, but no, we the public are not worthy of such contrivances. At the very least Sarah Jessica Parker has a stable marriage, a kid, a fairly successful career, and is by all accounts a decent human being. Within seconds, I was able to think of several women far more un-sexy than Sarah Jessica Parker.

Rachael Ray: Love her or hate her, she's everywhere I look these days. Over-saturation of the market is no good, especially when you're as cheerful as Rachael Ray tends to be, and she begins to attain the levels of devotion only inspired by Oprah. However, her recipes appear to be fairly unhealthy despite her insistence that they are not. Our obese children thank you, Rachael. Also, anyone, anywhere who calls sandwiches "sammies" is decidedly un-sexy.

Paris Hilton: While she is continually derided as a matter of public sport thanks to Sarah Silverman, Paris has actually been pretty good about keeping herself out of the media these past few weeks. Her previous, perhaps unknowing, insistence on maintaining her dumb blonde image, her lack of respect for herself and others, and the intense self-obsession are clearly not sexy.

Rose McGowan: Home-wrecking is never sexy. Enough said.

Miss Piggy: Hers is a pretended sexiness, frightening in that she appears to be a pig wearing a wig and pearls, making inter-species advances towards Kermit the Frog. Just considering the possibilities is emotionally traumatizing. One wonders what went wrong in the young Miss Piggy's life to cause her to pursue a man so clearly out of her reach in many ways. Though billed as sexy, Piggy's constant nagging and out of control mood swings reveal that she is anything but.

Penelope Cruz: No, come on! I'm kidding, she's totally sexy in every which way. You know you'd love to have dinner with her, at the very least, and listen to her slowly pronounce words in Spanish-tinged honey-drenched tones. "Come on, say butter again!" you'd plead. Penelope: "Must I? MANTEQUILLLLA!"

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