I used to love the band Oasis. For this I received no small amount of derision. I'd be singing "Wonderwall" with full sincerity and some jerk-off would inform me that they were a bunch of limey bastards who'd never be as good as The Beatles. Which, as it turns out, seems to be the case (barring a late life comeback by Noel and Liam). Not the point though. Sure, in cold retrospect they didn't add as much to the art form as The Beatles (which puts them in a category with every band in history save Air Supply... those guys were geniuses). But Oasis was entertaining. And somewhere in this paragraph gone terribly wrong is exactly how I feel about 10,000 B.C. Logically, clinically, and critically this is a tremendous whiff. But for a Saturday night with some friends and a few beverages? It could be far worse.

It could be Apocalypto. Now, you never saw Apocalypto. Probably no one you know did. There's a reason for this: Apoclaypto was one of the most putrid pieces of garbage to wash up upon our fair shores in a long time. It was a classic example of how to mangle history and insult the intelligence of everyone within a five-mile radius. 10,000 B.C. does not do this. It pretty much knows its limitations. The history is super shoddy and you could pick apart something presented for every minute of the 108-minute running time. Don't do that though, it's pointless. Pretend this is a crazy substitute teacher filling in for your normal battle hardened professor and just go with it. Do the Mammoths look fake? Sure as hell. Have some fun with that. Have a laugh when the "tear-jerker" scene comes up. See how many strands of other movies you can find here, how many plot points have been entirely lifted. I'm probably coming off as if I'm bashing this but nothing could be further from the truth. I left the theater smiling because the whole thing was a spectacle. A big dumb movie in a time of the year when we're normally getting something even worse: small stupid movies.

The plot: um, it's 12,008 years ago. The Mammoth hunter people get raided by a warrior group. Main character fella has his girl kidnapped. We gotta save her! In between that decision and the end credits we'll see this band of merry warriors traipse through:
1.) The snowy mountains
2.) The rain forest
3.) The desert

Whatever ever you do, do NOT try to make sense of this. It's impossible. Also pay no mind to the fact that they knew to cauterize wounds and had words for coward, destiny, demon, and spirit but not snow (which the helpful voice-over man calls "white rain"). See what's happening? I'm thinking about it too much again.

When I walked out of the movie I thought to myself, "Well, that wasn't very good. But I had a bit of fun and it was entertaining overall." Some of you will come out pissed; you won't be able to detach from the logic issues. Some of you will come out pleased; the plot lunacy won't even occur to you. I think the great majority of you will end up like the guy I was on the escalator with on the way out though. I turned to him and asked what he thought. "Egh, it was okay."

Grade: C

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