Finally, someone's lying to Congress who, for once, is not a member of the Bush Administration! On Wednesday, sports writers the world over had the chance to prove they weren't just glorified bleachers fans as they swung at the hard news created by baseball pitcher Roger Clemens' testimony before Congress.

And it was awesome: tenser than extra innings at the World Series and meaner than a presidential campaign catfight. Roger Clemens denied he used performance-enhancing drugs, while his former trainer Brian McNamee claimed that he'd injected them into Clemens personally. They proved, once and for all, that pissing off Congress is the real American past time.

You can watch the curses fly on YouTube, in the four-part Mitchell Report hearing here.

Well, that's not exactly popcorn-and-Lazy Boy material, is it? Well, there aren't a whole lot of fictional films out there that deal with the issue of human growth hormones, steroids, or other artificial performance enhancers. But, why not pump up your weekend with these DVDs about unnatural growth?

Popeye (1980)
Growth Enhancer: Spinach
Why are kids interested in bulk-up drugs? For the love of Olive Oyl. The Popeye cartoon was the greatest propaganda ploy ever launched by a leafy-green industry, convincing children around the world that to beat the bad guy, all a hero's got to do is slam back a few cans of processed green spinach and suddenly he's got forearms the size of baked hams. In 1980 Robert Altman reinjected life into the franchise by directing the live-action version with Robin Williams cast as the hyuk-kuk-kukking sailor man. (I also blame Popeye for under-age corn-cob smoking.)

The Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1993)
Growth Enhancer: An Alien Laser Beam
What's better than Daryl Hannah? 44 feet more of Daryl Hannah. Mockumentary auteur Christopher Guest (Best in Show) directed this TV remake of the 1958 sci-fi classic where a woman is hit with a laser beam that causes her to grow when she's pissed off. And boy, does she have a reason to be pissed: her husband's a slime ball and a cheat.

Alien Nation (1988)
Growth Enhancer: "Jabluka"
Large populations of spotty-headed aliens have sought refuge on earth and are attempting to reintegrate into society. Most are decent, kind beings, but you can't have the good without the evil. A powerful bulk-up drug is circulating through the alien underbelly, and a human cop (James Caan) and his alien partner (Mandy Patinkin) are out to stop it and simultaneously comment allegorically on US race relations.

The Incredible Hulk (1978-1982)
Growth Enhancer: Gamma Radiation
How do you turn a Bill Bixby into a Lou Ferrigno? By getting him angry, of course. But first you'd need to make sure his wife has died in a horrible accident, which will in turn cause Bixby to investigate super-strength (the kind that allows mothers to lift Mac 10 trucks off their babies) and dose himself with gamma rays. The question still in my mind: does the sci-fi series starring a not-so-jolly green giant constitute a second propaganda effort from the leafy greens industry?

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