Leave it to a terrier to turn even the snidest writer into the whiniest emo boy. Last Friday, my lil one, my wee Marlowe, a seven-pound Yorkie mix with black fur and a white splash across her nose and socks, escaped from my friend's backyard while I was at the Santa Fe 3-Minute Film Festival. I documented the whole saga on my blog. So, to make a long story short: after two hours of wailing "Maaaaaarrrrlooooooowe" into the dirt lots of Santa Fe's south side, I returned to my friend's house with tears and snot streaming down my face only to find the little mutt sitting by his front gate with this innocent, "W'sup, dudes?" look on her face.

Garrrrr!

It turns out I wasn't the only one suffering dog drama this week. The New York Times has a story about Puddles, a Shih Tzu who was stolen from her family by the mayor of Alice, Texas. According to the report, the family had asked the mayor to watch the dog while they were on vacation; when they returned, the mayor told them Puddles was dead and buried, when really, the dog had been renamed and hidden with the mayor's sister.

So, I was a bit torn for this week's rental recs. Do I focus on films about lost doggie adventures (The Adventures of Milo & Otis or For the Love of Benji) or films about dognapping victims (such as 101 Dalmatians, the animated and live-action versions)? In the end, I figured if I couldn't stand to watch any of them myself, why recommend them? Instead, here are my favorite "alternative" boy-and-his-dog films.

A Boy and His Dog (1975)
Here's the ultimate dilemma of the atomic age: Let's say you, your hot girlfriend and your telepathic dog are starving to death in a post-nuclear-bomb wasteland. Who do you eat first? That's the question at the climax of this cult classic that's based on a Harlan Ellison story and stars Don Johnson before Miami became his vice. It's as low budget as a film co-starring Jason Robards gets.

Spaceballs (1987)
Half man, half dog, John Candy plays Barf, the "mog" sidekick to Bill Pullman's Lone Starr in this Star Wars spoof. And honestly, I don't think you'll find even the die-hardiest Star Wars nut who doesn't prefer Mel Brooks' mutt-man to George Lucas' wookie because, ultimately, the dynamic between Starr and Barf is just so much cooler than Han Solo and Chewbacca's. Who doesn't want a best friend who will tickle his hand or high-five and always knows when to say, "Check, please?"

I am Legend (2007)
For most folks, it wasn't the terror factor that earned this film an R-rating, but the fact that Will Smith, the lone man in a NYC overtaken by Gollum-like zombies, is forced to put down his German Shepherd after she's been bitten while protecting him from the aforementioned Gollum-like zombies. Screw Ali, that's the scene that should've won Smith his Oscar.

Human Nature (2002)
Leave it to screenwriter Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation) to break the taste barrier and write a scene in which a young, beautiful woman (Patricia Arquette) receives oral sex from her dog. Of course, Arquette's character also has a skin condition where her skin is covered with hair, so it's really not that out of this world. It could be argued, though, that the "dog" in this film isn't her pet, but Rhys Ifans, a young man and love interest who's convinced he's an animal.

Unleashed (2005)
Outside of the US, this Jet Li film was called Danny the Dog. (This is the second time a Luc Besson film's name was bastardized for American audiences -- the first was Leon or, as we know it, The Professional.) Bob Hoskins plays a foul fight promoter who has kept Jet Li in collars and cages for his entire life in order to hone him into a pit bull of a cage fighter. Maybe it's not the greatest film in the world, but between Hoskins' fury, Li's first convincing dramatic performance and Morgan Freeman's always intense supporting role, you can't fault the film too much for its unfulfilled ambition.

My Life as a Dog (1985)
So, the dog in this film is more implied than actual. My Life as a Dog was and still is the Swedish coming-of-age film to end all Swedish coming-of-age films. A 12-year-old boy begins to pretend he's a dog after his mother becomes terminally ill and his dog is euthanized. Talk about a bad year.

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