Last night was the first all-male-model challenge on Project Runway, and I did not enjoy one moment of it. Not because I’m straight and six-packs on dudes don’t do it for me, but because my girlfriend seemed to be panting for much of the episode and I was, as a consequence, left feeling pretty despondent about my keg. Okay, my gut does not look like a keg, but it definitely looks like the sack of wine that comes inside boxes of wine, if you know what I mean. Okay, okay, it’s not that bad. I’m probably perfectly normal-shaped, but, man, what do these dudes with their six-packs think they’re trying to prove? Bunch of self-centered assholes, if you ask me.

Sigh. Anybody know the number of a good trainer?

Anyways, last night’s episode was billed as the most difficult challenge ever, but I think it’s a better bet to call it one of the worst challenges ever. It was a disaster, start to finish, pretty much like ever design that resulted from it. The worst part is, none of the judges seemed to have the faintest clue that the objective they’d set out was wholly unrealistic.

The objective? Dress Tiki Barber.

Who’s Tiki Barber? Oh, well, he’s the legendary running back for the New York Giants and is now a host on The Today Show.

Still don’t know who Tiki Barber is? That’s okay, almost none of the designers did either – though Steve certainly thought he was cute (though this guy is ready to hump any man with a decent body, as near as I can tell).

Now, why would this challenge be so hard? After all, Tiki just has a big neck and a big ass. How hard could making a suit for the guy be? Well, it turns out it’s pretty damn hard, even impossible, if almost every single one of your designers has never even imagined dressing a man before – even when they, themselves, are men. In other words, everyone was completely screwed.

The rest of the episode, less than two days of work, was spent scrambling to complete designs that only a seasoned professional could have gotten through in time. Instead, it became a matter of, “What can we finish to put on our male models so they don’t walk down the runway half-naked?” Though, of course, Steven would’ve enjoyed this.

In the end, almost every designer scrapped ideas of completing an entire suit. Some didn’t even get three pieces sewn up, instead choosing to focus on creative looks like Kevin – still looking very King Leonidas – who wrapped slacks and a vest, a great pink shirt, and a funky tie that earned him second place for the week. Jack never got past pin-striped slacks and a great striped shirt that won him first place.

At the bottom end of the not-quite-finished fashion show were Sweet P, Ricky, and Carmen, all of which hadn’t even gotten their basics completed. Sweet P didn’t even bother folding her collar, she knew her design was so bad; Tiki told Ricky his design would have gotten him laughed out of The Today Show studio; and Carmen had to drape fabric over her model’s chest because she hadn’t completed a shirt. After much snickering behind the scenes by the judges – again, without understanding how impossible the task they assigned was – they sent Carmen home. It’s too bad a good designer had to get the boot because producers’ couldn’t admit they were wrong mid-challenge and simply spare a few more hours.

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