Eric D. Snider,
Jan 07, 2009
Way back in November 2007, I wrote a piece called "Ten 2008 Films That I Would Use a Time Machine to Avoid Seeing," predicting what I thought would be the worst movies of the year. But as it turned out, only two of them were genuinely awful (College Road Trip and Mamma Mia!), a few more were bad or so-so, and a couple -- Horton Hears a Who! and Get Smart -- were actually pretty good. (Two others were pushed back to 2009, so they might still be bad. Keep your fingers crossed!)
My track record is not excellent, in other words, but I'm going to take another stab at it. Herewith, my predictions for...
THE WORST MOVIES OF 2009
Bride Wars (Jan. 9)
No worst-of-the-year list is complete with something from January, aka the month where movies go to die. This one, in which Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson play best friends whose weddings are scheduled for the same day and therefore must destroy one another, looks like yet another movie aimed at women in which all the female characters are shallow, vain, and stupid. Because, um, that's what women like to see? I guess?
The Pink Panther 2 (Feb. 6)
The first one was bad enough. Sequels tend to get worse. Steve Martin has not headlined a really good comedy in at least a decade (depending on your feelings toward Bowfinger), and his track record with farcical slapstick has been relentlessly bad for at least TWO decades. Please stop, Steve, while we still love you.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li (Feb. 27)
Let's see... One hundred percent of the movies based on video games so far have been bad, so you do the math.
Fast & Furious (April 3)
In which Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are AT LAST reunited! This is terrific, because their characters, What's-His-Name and The Other Guy, have so much complexity yet to be explored. I heard that in the next movie, after this one, they're going to do away with actors altogether and just show 90 minutes of awesome cars idling in a parking lot.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (June 26)
I suspect what they're going to do is take everything about the first film and make it "better," i.e., louder, bigger, dumber, and louder.
Dance Flick (Aug. 14)
Everyone's always hatin' on the guys who made Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Epic Movie. But don't forget: The Wayans brothers have been at this even longer, and this one -- a parody of dance movies, duh -- will probably be every bit as bad as, say, Little Man or White Chicks.
H2 (Aug. 28)
What? That hateful, no-talent sellout Rob Zombie is making a sequel to his tasteless Halloween remake? And he's calling it H2??! Eff you, Rob Zombie. Eff you and the horse of the apocalypse you rode in on.
Jennifer's Body (Sept. 18)
A horror comedy about a demon-possessed cheerleader, written by Juno's Diablo Cody. I'm calling this one: Diablo Cody was a one-hit wonder whose self-consciously hip writing style will seem like a weak parody of itself by the time this film is released. Mark my words, home skillet.
Old Dogs (Nov. 25)
John Travolta (urp) and Robin Williams (ugh) play entrepreneurs who have to take care of a rowdy set of six-year-old twins just as they're about to close an important business deal. Apparently someone took it as a personal challenge to see if they could make something worse than Daddy Day Care.
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Eric D. Snider (website) is leaving a slot open in case Martin Lawrence decides to make a movie this year.
