C. Robert Cargill,
Dec 27, 2007
Once again, it's a weekend battle of head-to-head…errr… stars. Or rather, monsters. This week's matchup puts two ferocious beasts head-to-head to see who will come out the victor. Sorry, boys, this ain't Paris and Lindsay. For Christmas my editors have cut me loose to have a real fight. The Predator (badass alien hunter) vs. a Water Horse (the Loch Ness monster). Do I smell blood in the water? You know the rules, guys. Let's drop the cage. Two men enter! One man leaves!
In the box office this weekend: Winner = Water Horse
Huh? What? The newcomer kiddie flick against the established box office franchise? What am I thinking? I'll tell you what I'm thinking: it's Christmastime. Biggest family holiday time of the year. Families get together; they break bread; they open presents, and sooner or later, they get sick to death of one another. The only way to keep everyone quiet is with a movie. So let me ask this again, which of these two films will get the bigger take? The slimy, scary monster movie, or the cute, adorable, family friendly tale of a boy and his dog, except that the dog is the Loch Ness Monster? Yeah, if Grindhouse has taught us anything it is that you never release a bloody rated-R juggernaut on a holiday weekend. It'll get creamed by anything rated PG.
In the critical arena: Winner = Water Horse
I've seen The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep, and it is positively adorable. Parents will love it, and their kids will run out screaming that they want a Water Horse. I haven't seen Alien Versus Predator: Requiem. Why not? Because Fox refuses to screen it in Austin for fear that the Internet guys will get a hold of it and break embargo (because, well, we'll probably get a hold of it and break embargo). And not showing something for that reason alone means you ain't exactly proud of what you're slinging. Even if it is good, or even simply better than the last, critics won't care. They have to pay to see this turkey if they want to review it, and that's going to put them in a very sour mood. But to make matters worse, they released it on Christmas day. You only release a rated R movie on Christmas if it is an already established critical darling (like There Will Be Blood) or if it's total irredeemable crap (like Black Christmas) and you want an excuse for its failure that doesn't involve the words "it sucked."
In their careers: Winner = Predator
The Predator's had a good run. Okay. So he had one good movie and a couple good comic books series. But he's always fun. No matter how many bad movies he makes, there will always be more. I don't foresee a Water Horse sequel. It's over for Nessie.
In a fight: Winner = Predator
HA! Hahahahahahahaa! Seriously? A giant sea monster versus the Predator. In a fight? The fight will consist of three little red dots appearing on the back of Nessie's skull, a big meaty explosion and a little boy yelling, "NO! My water horse!" The collecting of the boys spine will be optional. Of course, that's gonna require a hell of a permit to mount something that big on the hood of a space ship.
Winner = Predator
Whether this does well at the box office or not, the bevy of longtime sci-fi fans already grumbling, "Well, I'll have to see it anyway" will push this ahead on DVD. And the cycle will begin again with AVP3.
C. Robert Cargill - - - Email Me
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Austin-based Cargill, who not only loves but owns The Cutting Edge, writes on movies and DVD five times a week.
