9:00: It's the 35th annual People's Choice Awards!! Which was your favorite? I loved the 16th annual edition personally. The people were really on it that night.

9:01: Gavin Rossdale is here?? Anna Lynne McCord? And Robin Tunney! TPCA is pulling out the big guns!

9:02: We're not really going to pretend that the People's Choice Awards is somehow congruous to President-elect Obama's victory are we? What's that? We are? Ah, OK. Just checking before I lost all respect for everyone involved a full two minutes in.

9:04: This is like punching the American flag in the face.

9:06: Kate Hudson can't present an award because she's stuck in traffic? Or did her agent get to her first?

9:07: Adam Sandler wins Favorite Funny Male Star and then says, "I've always made my movies for the people, if I made them for the critics I would have killed myself 20 years ago." First off, critics are technically people. Secondly, everyone loves Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. It's the Click that's a nightmare. Thirdly, why are critics so reviled? They make like 1/10000000th what movie stars make for 4x the work. You have much more in common with me than you do the Sandman -- trust me on that. Fourthly, Sandler's work in Reign Over Me and Punch-Drunk Love is actually excellent AND critically acclaimed. So he's basically snow-jobbing everyone here, critics and people alike. Lastly, whatever. Going after nameless, faceless critics is like complaining about cancer. Degree of difficulty = zero. I award this show no points, and may God have mercy upon its soul.

9:08: They just made up a new award (though I'm sure they consulted with the people first) called "Favorite Star Under 35." Carrie Underwood won. What about Hathaway? Orlando Bloom? LaBeouf? America Ferrera? Keira Knightley? Rihanna? Miley Cyrus? Me?
End scene...

9:14: We can still vote? Oooh, I'm throwing one in for The Mentalist. Can't get enough of that little gem.

9:16: I wonder how the people got together and nominated shows. Was there a meeting I missed?

9:17: Dancing with the Stars wins "Favorite Reality Show" and I applaud the people. It's a legitimate show. I'm not even kidding.

9:19: Kelly Ripa can blow up a balloon with her nose and Oprah wasn't nominated for "Favorite TV Talk Show Host." Which of these is more shocking? I say Oprah. Ellen DeGeneres wins, and is funny during her acceptance speech. Who is hosting the Oscars again?

9:22: Oh my GOD, the M&sMs are TALKING! There, in the balcony!! Chocolate has come to life! Hmmm? It's just product placement? Stand down then. Whew. Close one.

9:25: The crowd seems kind of frisky. They keep shouting random things. Do you think they liquored up the people to get them here?

9:26: My favorite award of the night: "Favorite Combined Forces." I'm cheering for either Diet Coke and Mentos or the U.S. Navy and Marines.

9:27: Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown win instead. Umm, I seriously doubt they could take a Marine Recon unit. Or exploding Mentos.

9:30: 27 Dresses beats Get Smart for "Favorite Movie Comedy" ... and the people are on my bad side again.

9:32: The People's Choice Awards has Jewel reporting from outside. Diana Murphy gets a makeover from Molly Stern. It's essentially a big commercial. I refuse to report on it. Good for her though. They keep teasing The Dark Knight as they go to break. Clearly, they know the same thing Film.com does. The people love them some Dark Knight. Me too.

9:38: Robin Williams won for funny man last year. That's really all you need to know about this show isn't it?

9:40: Reese Witherspoon wins for favorite female movie star. Fair enough.

9:42: They just rolled through about a dozen awards in 25 seconds. This section is called "People who didn't show up to get a People's Choice Award."

9:46: I feel like it's only a matter of time until a People's Choice Trophy is used in a murder. The thing is massive.

9:48: Robin Tunney looks like she might try to flee the stage as she hands out "Favorite Rock Song." Kid Rock wins it for a song you've never listened to. In a strange coincidence he's in the house, ready to accept.

9:49: Oh snap, Kid Rock just went after "the critics" too! But you know what I've done for people that Kid Rock never has? Saved them eight bucks and two hours of their lives. So beat that you acting and singing bastards! Boom!

9:51: Hugh Laurie wins favorite male television star ... and he's here! In the building. What were the odds? They should call this show "Giving Stuff to Live Bodies."

9:56: When is the last time you heard a new Seal song? 1995? Still, he is married to Heidi Klum.

9:58: Carrie Underwood wins something, and she's also here. I wish I could bet on The People's Choice Awards. Just find out who is attending, put your money down, buy a new house. Easy as pie.

10:01: Robin Williams over Britney Spears on "Favorite Scene-Stealing Guest Star"? Sure. People are waaaaaay more interested in Robin Williams than Britney Spears, right? Who the hell voted on this? The dozen producers in charge of booking talent for the show?

10:04: Rascal Flatts seem like good people. Unfortunately, they are caught up in a movement they can't possibly understand. The People's movement.

10:11: Kate Hudson wins favorite leading lady -- I turn to my wife and the conversation goes a little something like this:
Me: What movie did she win for?
Wife: I don't know ... I can go back on the TiVo if you want?
Me: (pause) It doesn't matter.

Yep, The 2009 People's Choice Awards!

10:14: 21 and Eagle Eye were both nominated for "Favorite Movie Drama." Ouch, people ... ouch.

10:15: We the people, in order to prove we have no taste, do hereby swear, from this day forward, to nominate and vote for mediocre entertainment.
Sincerely Yours, The People

10:17: Paris Hilton is here? Yikes. Might be time to get working on that new sex tape, eh?

10:27: Rascal Flatts covers "Life is a Highway." Which you might remember from the '90s. But it looks like "the people" are just now hearing about it.

10:32: Christina Applegate wins and is very gracious. Bless her for her lucidity at this late hour.

10:37: What happens to Two and a Half Men when the half a man-boy grows up? They've really screwed themselves out of a Cheers-style run, haven't they?

10:43: House wins for drama and Gary Unmarried wins for new comedy. I just figured out why I'm doing this. "Golden Globe Live Blog" preparations. That's all you are People's Choice Awards. Practice.

10:45: The Mentalist wins for new TV drama. I like Leverage myself. Again, and I only have to clarify this because we're talking People's Choice, I'm serious about enjoying Leverage.

10:48: It looks as though they are just going to list off the awards The Dark Knight wins at the end. Classy.

10:52: Hey, wait a second here ... CBS has won an awful lot of these awards. What network is this on again?

10:55: The Dark Knight wins Favorite Cast, Favorite Action Movie, Favorite On-Screen Mash-Up, Favorite Superhero, and Favorite Movie. So I guess The People and Film.com, after much pain, stand together after all.

Thanks for reading. See you Sunday.

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