Pity poor Disney. Do you realize how much it is hurting after the record-breaking planetwide success of the first two Pirates of the Caribbean movies? The company -- *sniff* -- has but doubled its investment. The two films cost, combined, around $350 million, and yet they've earned only about $750 million. Can you appreciate what a disaster this is? A 100-percent return on investment is absolutely disgusting, something no struggling multibillion-dollar global corporation should have to settle for. And so Disney is doing what any self-respecting multibillion-dollar global corporation would do in its place: fire some unfortunate peon.

The unfortunate peon in this case is Orlando Bloom, if the otherwise unattributed "British newspaper reports" quoted at Hollywood.com are to be believed. It's so sad, the tale of how Disney producers are "struggling" to "cut costs" -- one can only imagine the pathetic sound of dog-food cans being popped at the Disney executive commissary as hungry VPs scavenge for sustenance amidst the financial disaster that is the Mouse.

And of course it makes perfect sense to eliminate Bloom's Will Turner from POTC4: he's "not necessary." Just like Luke Skywalker wasn't "necessary" in those Star Wars sequels. It's not like the story was about Will at all, or that anyone went to see either of the Pirates films because of Bloom. And cutting his salary will probably translate into a really huge curbing of the overall budget for the film: maybe as much as one half of one percent.

Disney should fire the director, Gore Verbinski, too. Everyone knows directors just stand there bossing people around, and nobody likes that. Disney could just bring in a temp to do whatever else directors do.

[Check out my review of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. Our boy Orly is considered pretty darn essential in my book.]

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MaryAnn Johanson
author of The Totally Geeky Guide to The Princess Bride
minder of FlickFilosopher.com

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