They're not really serious are they? They can't be. I mean, Jurassic Park 4? This one has been in development for years and I thought it was a joke. Not just because it has a "4" in the title, not just because the series boasts the very worst movie Steven Spielberg ever directed (that would be The Lost World: Jurassic Park for folks playing along with the home game), but because of the plot. In news you can file under "You've got to be freaking kidding me," Jurassic Park 4 is rumored to be about… Oh lord, I can't even write this with a straight face. In fact, I can't even type the words.

Pardon me for a moment while I borrow from the studios the famous monkey who typed Shakespeare, who oddly enough wrote this script. He'll type it out for sure:

Hi human. I Sparkles, screenwriter for Steven Spielberg, and yes, monkey. And when not busy flinging pooh at interns, me busy slapping random keys on a keyboard hoping to actually write something that make sense. This paragraph alone took 3 weeks. A few years back, Sparkles write magnificent script for Jurassic Park 4. It beautiful, poetic and really brought the series back on track. Sadly, Steven found it, and decided it be cooler if the dinosaurs were given guns and trained by the government to be military killers. And then, as in every Jurassic Park movie, it not turn out well as the dinosaurs develop a mind of their own. Even I can't write crap accidentally. Seriously, Sparkles never should have let Steven start hanging out with that Michael Bay.

So there you have it. Dinosaurs with guns. Loose in a city. Wow. I'm speechless. I mean, how speechless do you have to be to let a monkey write your articles for you? Well, while I had access to Sparkles the Shakespeare Monkey, I figured he and I could spitball a couple suggestions for Steven in the event that someone actually told him how bad an idea this really is. Having read the Emperor's New Clothes as a child however, I somehow doubt that. But it's always worth a try. So here are five ideas not nearly as silly as dinosaurs with guns.

1. Jurassic Bratz
The mad scientists from the original park try their genetic experiments on Nicole Ritchie, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. The results are devastating, creating a super race of young girls with huge heads and impossibly small bodies that set out to convince little girls that they aren't pretty enough.

2. Jurassic Plane
When a group of Raptors are being transported from the infamous Island, they break loose and take over a 747. It's up to a group of crack scientists to make a clone of Samuel L. Jackson's character from the first film in order to stop them.

3. Jurassic Park
Rather than making a part four, simply hire Rob Zombie to reimagine the original. And by reimagine, I mean hire a bunch of actors nobody has heard from in 30 years to play all the parts.

4. Jurassic Grind
Give the property over to Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez so they can make a $150 million Jurassic Park movie that looks like a $1.5 million movie they watched in a crappy movie theater as kids.

5. Transawesomers
There's only one thing as silly as dinosaurs with guns, and that's giant robots from outer space that turn into product placement on command. If we're gonna make a sugarcoated movie that sounds like it was imagined by my nephew after he consumed a whole box of Cocoa Puffs drenched in chocolate milk and Pixie Sticks, then let's go whole hog. A dinosaurs with guns version of giant GMC commercials from outer space!

Now we're talking.

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