Once again, it's a weekend battle of head-to-head stars. In this corner, we have the balding menace, British kung fu bad boy import, Jason Statham. And in this corner we have a giant, 12,000-year-old woolly mammoth. You know the rules. Let's drop the cage. Two creates enter! One leaves!

In the box office this weekend: Winner = Woolly Mammoth
This weekend was chosen specifically for the release of 10,000 B.C. It was one year ago this weekend that the nigh scriptless greased-up CG screamfest 300 broke box office records and it’s clear someone’s hoping for a repeat. This time it's a whole new slew of historical inaccuracies meant to confuse the movie-going public and convince them that there were boats and pyramids long before there was any sort of organized civilization. Oh. And they speak English too. This is gonna make MILLIONS. The Bank Job does look cool, but in the event of a crime caper versus summer blockbuster-turned-early-spring release, I always bet on the saber-toothed tiger movie.

In the critical arena: Winner = Statham
This is only a guess as I’ve yet to hear how good either of these films is. However, the woolly mammoth is directed by none other than Roland Emmerich, the man responsible for The Day After Tomorrow, The Patriot and Independence Day. And critics HATE him. Expect a thorough thrashing in print whether this movie is a hit or not. Heist movies, on the other hand, have a certain charm and tend to do well with the critical set. Neither of these may fare well in front of a critical firing squad, but Emmerich will get more bad ink, despite how cool the mammoth looks.

In their careers: Winner = Statham
The woolly mammoth has been dead for millennia. Statham’s career isn’t actually dead, yet. He needs some cool films and quickly, but it is far from over for him. Sadly, he went on a spree of taking films for the paycheck and it has caught up with him. War, In the Name of the King and Crank are among these, and the best that can be said is that Crank was fun despite itself. He needs a cool, hipster hit to climb back up to his previous level of chic.

In a fight: Winner = Statham
I don’t care how big that woolly mammoth is, Statham is awesome. He’s super awesome. He’s super awesome on a stick. And that means one dead woolly mammoth.

Winner = Woolly Mammoth
Unless something weird happens, Bank Job is gonna get trampled and might end up ignored entirely as a result.

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C. Robert Cargill - - - Email Me

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