If a Nicole Kidman movie falls in the forest, and no one is in the theater to see it, does it make a sound? Maybe a whimper? The world will never know. Because one opened this weekend and the world didn't bother to see it. The Invasion. Reported budget: $80 Million (with estimates going as high as $100 Million.) This weekend's take: $6 Million.

Oh yeah. This thing crashed and burned like Lindsay Lohan was behind the wheel. While certainly not the worst bomb of all time (which still stands as Pluto Nash) it's pretty close. And for a big draw and Oscar winner like Kidman to tank so badly, well it causes one to think.

I mean, remember the days when Kidman was a STAR? When her movies were gold? When the biggest couple in the world didn't sport a conjoined name like Brangelina or Bennifer, but was instead Tom & Nicole? Back when the Stepford Wives was still just a movie from the 70's? Back when Bewitched was just a TV show from the 60's? Back when Invasion of the Body Snatchers was actually CALLED Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Those were good times.

We loved Nicole. We couldn't wait to line up and see her next movie. I mean, when she appeared naked with her husband in a Kubrick film, the world went bananas. And every grown man in America bought a ticket to see it, even if they bought a ticket for another movie and just snuck in. She was HUGE.

Now she's rapidly becoming that old friend of yours that you see at the party and hope she doesn't make eye contact with you. I mean, if you met Nicole on the street, what would you say? Oh I really loved you in The Hours? What if she replied "You know I've made ten movies since then?" Well, don't worry. Cargill's got you covered. In case you run into Nicole Kidman on the street, here's some things you can say to change the topic - avoiding any discussion of her career.

"So, why'd you guys name her Suri?"

"Come clean, this L. Ron Hubbard guy just made all that stuff up, right?

Mention how much you loved her in BMX Bandits.

Point and shout: "Oh my God! Godzilla!" Then run when she looks away.

Mention you've had a nasty case of Malaria since 2002.

Mention that you can't speak Australian and hate reading subtitles.

Those oughta do the trick. If for some reason she still wants to talk to you then she's gotten far too desperate and you're on your own. I'd vote for liberal use of a taser. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

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