In no athletic event is the United States more dominant than in the field of sitting on our asses watching television for ridiculous amounts of time. I've been deep in training myself, and figured the ideal opportunity to mark my progress was during the Summer Olympics, which for the first time in 2008 can literally be watched around the clock. I'm pale, rested, and ready. Off we go!

11 AM: So I turn on MSNBC to see some guy from Georgia winning a gold medal in Greco-Roman wrestling. He's running around with the national flag. Hey, it's been a tough week; they deserve a win in something.

11:19 AM: Women's table tennis, which for the Chinese hosts is one of the glamour sports. A young woman from Croatia, ranked only #131 in the world, is being eaten alive by her Chinese opponent.

11:21 AM: Women's basketball on USA: the Americans are clinging to a 39-point lead against Mali.

11:44 AM: Amanda Beard has failed to advance in the 200M breaststroke. Fortunately, as a nude model, she has something solid to fall back on.

11:46 AM: Now it's doubles table tennis, and it's still China v. Croatia. The same Croatian woman from the earlier match is in this one too, and it's even less competitive. Did she win a raffle to get on the Olympic team?

12:02 PM: Weightlifters now, the snatch portion, with a lot of men from Central Asia trying to lift 165 kg. A Turkish man is straining, with his uniform revealing anatomical details I didn't really need to see this close to lunch.

12:16 PM: Do guys ever just drop the barbell on their heads? That's really the one reason I'm watching--I don't want to miss it if it happens.

12:30 PM: Over on MSNBC, the U.S. baseball team is about to play its first game. They are facing South Korean pitcher Jung Bong, whose fastball is smokin'.

12:37 PM: The US women finally pull into the lead in their water polo match with Italy. The "defense!" chant arises.

12:43 PM: A 9-7 lead over Italy with a little over 3 minutes to play. Surely this is a safe lead?

12:52 PM: I guess not. Italy ties it with 22 seconds left.

1:49 PM: The problem with baseball starting is that it being a familiar sport to American viewers, MSNBC is now sticking with it to the exclusion of everything else. The rowing and team handball that have been a big part of the afternoon show to this point have disappeared. And what's worse, the US is losing 3-1.

2:04 PM: Bong is allowing hits now. Baseball tied 3-3.

2:19 PM: The Koreans are back out in front 6-3. I'm out of Bong puns already, not a good sign this early in the marathon.

2:33 PM: Bong has been replaced by Chong. Do the Koreans have any pitchers who don't have names suggestive of illicit substances? I may need to open my bag of tortilla chips early.

3:47 PM: Team USA takes a 7-6 lead in the ninth inning!

4:08 PM: And Korea comes back to win in the bottom of the ninth. An amazing win for them considering the raging drug problem on their pitching staff. I knew MSNBC should have stuck with team handball.

4:20 PM: Oh great, now they're going to Serena Williams playing tennis. I can watch tennis any time! This is my 24-hour Olympics experience! I want race walkers! I want plucky kayakers from Togo! I want to see Croatia humiliated on the stage of table tennis!

4:58 PM: Serena wins. NOW can we get back to sweaty guys grappling on mats?

5:00 PM: CNBC begins its coverage, which means lots of boxing for the next couple of hours.

5:02 PM: Boxing commentator Teddy Atlas has the demeanor of someone who spent a decade or so as someone's punching bag. He makes Rocky sound like Alistair Cooke by comparison.

5:06 PM: MSNBC is in its recap mode now, still talking about the American female gymnasts as if they are a national disgrace and not silver medalists.

5:13 PM: US boxer Luis Yanez is fighting a guy from Spain. These are the light flyweights (max weight 106 pounds), so it's a bit like watching fifth graders.

5:20 PM: Yanez is on his way to victory. Next time out, a tougher bout awaits, as he fights one of those fifth graders who already has a mustache.

5:34 PM: MSNBC is talking about some Michael Phelps guy, who I guess did something good.

5:39 PM: Oh my! Ask and you shall receive! Footage of a Hungarian weightlifter who dislocated his elbow in the middle of a lift and dropped the bar on his upper back. This is YouTube gold, baby. On the bright side, you know those hard-to-reach places when your back itches? No longer that hard to reach for this guy.

7:00 PM: Oxygen is now covering the only Olympic sport you can compete in while dressed like a doorman, the equestrian competition.

7:52 PM: Gymnastics must be one of the few fields where you can thrive with a name like "Elfi Schlegel."

8:05 PM: Doesn't this same English guy do cycling commentary for every race, no matter what network it is?

8:22 PM: More synchronized diving. They keep adding sports China does well in, while taking away softball. Hmmmmmm.

8:30 PM: Diving is the one water sport where the guys still wear the itsy-bitsy suits. I'm just noting that for the record, not because I was looking for them or anything.

8:57 PM: Mary Carillo is in a Chinese restaurant. That's the last thing I need to see right now ... oh lovely. She just ate a scorpion. I should probably crack the wine.

9:36 PM: Beach volleyball seems like just another made up sport, but the players really are pretty athletic, covering a good deal of ground. I can't run like that in a bathing suit for any number of reasons, most of them having to do with having courtesy for the rest of the world.

10:04 PM: Kitajima of Japan wins the 200M breaststroke, and thanks Michael Phelps for not taking up the discipline.

10:34 PM: Another look at the epic relay win for the U.S. over the French. Are you tired of seeing it yet? Not me.

10:46 PM: China goes 1-2 in the 200M women's butterfly. They thank Phelps for not getting gender reassignment surgery.

10:59 PM: The men's all-around in gymnastics is under way. No "little girls dancing for gold" (as John Tesh once put it) or strong American contenders, but it caps off the night nevertheless.

11:11 PM: Dan Hicks just said a British swimmer "has a great fly." I'm pretty sure it's impolite to stare.

And I'm only halfway finished! Read Part Two tomorrow.

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