The Hills is the first show I've legitimately felt dirty watching. Like take-a-shower dirty. Let me run down the main players for you:

Spencer: You know how when you are watching a movie and you know the guy is the villain? He could be bringing someone flowers in the opening scene, but you still look at him and you see that sneer, that thing on a guy's face that makes you want to punch him repeatedly. That's Spencer. He is never not annoying. He is always punchable. He's the most loathsome thing going on reality TV, and that's saying a hell of a lot.

Brody: Brody's main skill seems to be that he's handsome. The ladies seem to love this. He really needs a hobby.

Heidi: Heidi dates Spencer and is about a trillion times more attractive than him. She has not yet figured this out because she has low self-esteem.

Lauren: She’s Heidi's best friend, but she also now loathes her in that special way that only former friends can. When Heidi is around, Lauren spends her time making her jealous with an airhead named Audrina. When Heidi’s not around she talks about her constantly. This is the life you too would lead if bills and intelligence weren’t weighing you down.

The Setting: The most vapid and saccharine places in the world, restaurants that charge you exorbitant prices for the feeling of exclusivity. When they’re not encapsulated in these plastic-encased dining areas, they can be found roaming around the offices of Teen Vogue, a bastion of solid journalism if ever there was one.

The Theme: Who can talk about themselves more? It’s a constant battle for supremacy, and friends who are willing to talk about only you are highly coveted. The good news is the conversation often turns to politics, but I’m guessing that only happens off camera when the fine folks are given full frontal lobotomies to cure them of their conceit.

Verdict: Wowsers is this an awful show. I’ve never hated and loved something more at the same time. I can’t tear my eyes away from the notion that these people really exist, they’re out there right now breathing the same air as us (well, okay, the L.A. air is a little dirtier). I know I have to quit watching this, and soon, because I’m starting to wonder if I should wear my hair up or down, and I’m saying things like “He’s super cute!” When Paris Hiltonites become the norm on a channel, it might be time to gather outside the production offices with pitchforks and torches. Remember back when MTV had soul? That’s all been washed away in a sea of Viacom dollars. Now the only product is mind-numbing, zero personality, attractive people splashed all over prime time for the world to see.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got an appointment with My Super Sweet 16, a show of perseverance and our nation’s youth striving for excellence.

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