Now, by this time a crowd had gathered to witness the ensuing tongue lashing. There was this almost lunchroom-like energy as if the onlookers were about to lean in at any moment to chant "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" There was laughter, plenty of smirks and even the occasional bout of playful ribbing from friends on the sidelines who were savoring every moment. But no one so enjoyed what was happening as I did. You see, I knew exactly what was going on. Uwe was taunting me. He was confronting me directly in hopes of drumming up even more interest in his lackluster film.

And no, the irony of writing this piece is not lost on me. Just as the irony of Uwe inserting a mentally handicapped version of one of my close friends into the movie, then claiming that person was ignoring him was out of spite is not lost. He wants controversy. It's all he brings to the table with this film. But since he dedicated ten minutes of his life towards taunting and tormenting me in hopes of getting an article out of me, the least I can offer him is a review and a two parter. I mean, I'm gonna be telling this story over beers for years. Hell, if I ever have kids I might even tell it to them one day. The least I can do is give the guy the insult in print he was desperately begging me for.

And the thing is, I don't hate Uwe. He's not the worst guy I know. He's just not self-aware enough to know that he's got the wrong job. Anyone who's seen House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne or Postal knows this guy isn't much of a director. But what they also know is that no matter how bad these movies are (the first three are all in the IMDB all-time bottom 100) he somehow keeps managing to make movies. He can always get the money. And he can also manage to talk celebrities into being in his films, even when they know they shouldn't. That takes talent. A lot of talent.

And I've spoken with a number of actors and crew who have worked with Uwe, and they ALL say the same thing. He doesn't really direct. You can always find him behind the monitors either on the phone or on his laptop, speaking with financiers and investors, keeping them happy, screaming into the phone - but always getting more money. Then occasionally he looks up and shouts "It's terrible, do it again," Or "Do it faster this time!"

That's not a director. That's what a producer does.

So my question to Uwe is this, something I wish he'd paused for a moment for me to ask him: Uwe, why the heck aren't you producing for a living? I mean you got $15 million to make Postal. Can you imagine what would happen if you gave $3 million a piece to the best five young directors you met at Fantastic Fest this last week? How many really good films could you have made with that money? My guess? More than the one bad one you made with $15 million.

God bless you, Uwe, wherever you are. You made my night, but more importantly, you gave me something to write about. Just like you harassed me to. They say no press is bad press. While that isn't exactly true, it seems to be in your case. Take care of yourself, buddy. And seriously, think about that producer thing. I think you'd be good at it.

Recommend (0)

|  Comments (0)

|  Email

|  Share

Share  Facebook Digg del.icio.us