I've dated my share of women and, consequently, have met my share of men that I've taken the time to imagine as a father-in-law. Most of them seemed to like me, I think, though a few engaged in a sort of alpha-male rivalry with me that I've never understood since they were never going to win. I have youth and vitality on my side, after all. Well, youth at least.

The again, I've never dated Tommy Lee Jones' daughter. If I was, you know, dating his daughter, I can tell you two things for sure: 1.) I'm confident Jones, even at 61, could kick my ass and prove himself the alpha male and 2.) I would break up with his daughter before I ever became his son-in-law.

If you're curious why, here are five reasons why I wouldn't want to call Jones, whose No Country for Old Men opens this weekend, "Dad," "Pa," or even, "Mr. Jones," while sitting across from him at the holiday table.

1.) Look up the word "curmudgeon" in the dictionary.
You'll find a photo of Jones next to the definition that will probably say something like, "Curmudgeon: Grumpy, condescending, apparently angry just like Tommy Lee Jones. Also see "salty" and "crusty." Seriously, I interviewed the guy a few years back; he called my house and spent 20 minutes basically making me feel like I was an idiot for even thinking my questions were worth his time. I felt like reminding him that he was trying to promote a movie he directed, but I figured he'd just make me feel stupid for thinking anything he did needed my help promoting.

2.) He doesn't care.
Just like Marshall Samuel Gerard in U.S. Marshals, Jones doesn't care anymore. He's a Harvard grad, so he thinks you're a lot dumber than him until you prove otherwise. He's been acting for almost four decades, and it's not like he needs your approval. And he keeps getting praise, even though he rarely delivers a performance that breaks the familiar curmudgeonly Jones persona. In other words, he doesn't give a damn because he's old and had earned the right not to care anymore.

3.) He's a Texan.
Enough said.

4.) He’s tough as nails.
Seriously, have you ever seen a movie with Jones in which he didn’t play a character tougher than just about everybody you’ve ever met, from Lonesome Dove to The Fugitive to Men In Black. Consider In the Valley of Elah in which he gazes upon his son’s charred, dismembered remains and calmly asks about what sort of knife was used to hack him up. Jones was acting, yeah, but I believe he’d react the same way if somebody rolled his own child out before him like that. If that’s not enough, he played Ty Cobb (in Cobb) and, as a Detroiter, I know enough to fear any man who can pull that off.

5.) He’ll make you cry.
At the press day for No Country for Old Men, several journalists appeared shell-shocked after interviewing Jones. A few were asked if he made them cry, since he’s actually made a few weaker souls do this. Later, I asked Kelly Macdonald, who co-stars with him in No Country and the upcoming In the Electric Mist, if he made her cry, too, but she insists he was nothing but sweet to her. I don’t believe this for a second.

So, long story short: Tommy Lee Jones is not a man to be trifled with, and definitely not a man you want walking your fiancée down the aisle.

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