Editor's note: I'd like to personally thank The Evil Beet, who -- when this DVD arrived here at the Film.com stratospheric flying platform -- stepped up to the challenge when all others, including yours truly, shrank away to watch something, anything other than this DVD of one of the worst-reviewed movies since, like, forever. There's no one more schooled in the ways of The Paris than the fearless Ms. Beet, and we thank her for taking this glam-bam bullet for us. We've rewarded her with a trip to a day spa to get the residue off.

In the interest of preserving the integrity of Film.com, I am going to preface this by stating a very important fact: I am not a film critic. None of the film critics at Film.com wanted to review this movie, because that would mean they'd have to watch it. I am a gossip columnist, and my taste in movies is pretty much in line with what you'd expect from a gossip columnist. Like, if a film has more than four or five main characters, I am likely to get confused and hate the movie. If the plot involves anything too complex to explain to a fourth-grader, I am likely to get confused and hate the movie. If there is heavy use of foreign accents, I am likely to get confused and hate the movie. And if -- God forbid -- there are going to be subtitles, well, then, I may as well be watching football. I'll hate it that much.

I watch Lifetime movies all the way through, especially if they involve anorexia. And have you ever heard of a little Mark-Paul Gosselaar made-for-TV gem called The Princess and the Marine? No? Well, I showed up an hour late for my sister's birthday dinner so I could see how it ended.

That being said, I thought The Hottie and the Nottie was right up my alley. The characters were one-dimensional; the ending was predictable and sweet; everyone lives happily ever after; and I was, at no point, confused. Also, I have a soft spot in my heart for Christine Lakin, who I fell in love with when she was playing Al on Step By Step. I was nine years old at the time and I totally wished I had her life. It's kind of like my thing for Lacey Chabert; regardless of how crappy her movies are, I just can't bring myself to be mean to Claudia Salinger. She's been through enough already, you know?

Anyway, The Hottie and the Nottie is just one of those utterly forgettable movies. It's not very good, but it's not so bad that you can't take your eyes away, trainwreck-style. It's not even so bad it's funny. It's just dumb, and you never would have heard about it if Paris Hilton hadn't been involved. For those of you who care about details, here are the things that are bad about this movie:

1. It is not funny.
   
   
2. It is not interesting.
   
   
3. It is not well-written.
   
   
4. Paris Hilton is not a good actress, and she spends only about two minutes of the movie wearing lingerie and an additional thirty seconds in a bikini. She is fully clothed throughout the remainder of her screen time. However, none of the cast needed to be particularly good actors, either, because they are playing caricatures rather than characters.
   
   
5. Several of the plot points are totally incongruent and/or implausible.
   
   
6. There are fart jokes. Like, the really bad kind of fart jokes, where you're supposed to laugh just because someone farted. I wish the Screenwriters Guild would issue a moratorium on those.
   
   
7. Did I mention that it is neither funny, interesting nor well-written?

So enough about the movie. None of you are ever going to see it anyway. Let's talk about the special features on the DVD.

Probably the most useful feature is the photo gallery, where you can just watch a montage of stills from the film. This is remarkably valuable for those of you who want to see pictures of Paris Hilton in different outfits without having to actually hear her voice. If that's the case, though, you should really just read my blog.

Then there's a stupid clip of Christine Lakin's character, June Phigg (the "nottie"), applying with a video dating service. This is dumb and I only got about thirty seconds in.

And here's the part where I get to talk about how much I hate Paris Hilton while working very, very hard to avoid swearing. Seriously, what a stuck-up, self-obsessed, indulgent, lazy, putrid little ... um ... runt ... she is! I mean, what a mother-truckin' little witch. Despite the fact that this stupid hooker picks up a gosh-darned executive producer credit on the film, she doesn't appear in either the actors' commentary or the production commentary. She's in neither. The actors' commentary includes Christine Lakin and Joel David Moore (who plays the male lead), and the production commentary is just the screenwriter, and, if I were her, I wouldn't admit to having written the thing at all, let alone provide commentary to discuss the "creative" roots of each scene. To imply that there was any creativity or art whatsoever in this screenplay is like talking about the craft of air-conditioner installation.

But Jesus Christ, Paris, you couldn't take an hour-and-a-half out of your busy schedule of fixing your hair extensions and being with Benji Madden to drive to the studio and sit there saying stupid crap like, "Oh this scene was fun to film! It was fun to film because I look beautiful in it!" No. Paris couldn't do that. You know why? Because Paris Hilton is only interested in the aspect of movies that involves her looking beautiful in them. She just wants to see her face on the screen. She's interested in no other aspect whatsoever, because she's a self-absorbed, abhorrent, worthless waste of precious oxygen.

You wanna know what she does instead of appearing in any of the commentaries?

There's a special feature of her putting full female makeup on her co-star, Joel David Moore. And for no reason other than for her to laugh at him, she has somehow managed to get Joel to wear a light blue halter dress during this process. Note that at no point in the film does Joel's character cross-dress or even consider cross-dressing. No. Paris just thought it would be really cute to make her co-star look like an ass while she prances and coos around him and applies blue eyeshadow, fake eyelashes and ridiculous eyeliner for ten minutes. And then she gives makeup tips! She claims she wants to share her makeup tips with her fans, so they can look like hotties, too! OMG. I hate her so much it makes me want to vomit. She's such a turd. And the makeup tips are wrong!

Firstly, girls, you never, ever, ever wear blue eyeshadow! Ever! The '80s are OVER! Secondly, she puts mascara on his fake eyelashes. Joel himself comments on the ridiculousness of this idea, and, not only is it indeed ridiculous, but the oil in the mascara degrades the quality of the lashes and will limit their reusability. So don't take makeup tips from Paris Hilton!

There is, in fact, no earthly reason for you to get this DVD. If you must watch the movie, catch it when it's on TBS or something. Or, better yet, don't watch the movie at all, and instead spend the time trying to figure out how we can infect Paris Hilton with some manner of incurable, disfiguring, vocal-chord-destroying illness.

The Evil Beet
Celebrity gossip with an evil twist.

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