Growing up, there was only one way to spend the weekday morning if I somehow succeeded in convincing my mother that I was too sick to go to school, and that was watching The Price Is Right.

Personally, I never really got into the game show outside of shouting nonsensical pre-teen opinions about the prices of things like cough drops and hemorrhoid cream simply for the thrill of feeling like a knowledgeable adult. No, the real fun came from watching Bob Barker host the show, since, even at that age, I somehow knew this man was the sort of pimp little boys should want to grow up to be like. Even before I fully understood what sex was, I knew I wanted to become a game-show host so I could take advantage of my models, and I’m pretty sure that’s why Barker became a game-show host, too.

Drew Carey, on the other hand, seems to have become a game-show host – recently replacing Barker at the helm of The Price Is Right – because he, well, I don’t know why he did it. I just know he looks to hate himself for it.

Most American’s hate their jobs, but most Americans don’t have to be watched by millions of people every week as they act like someone they’re not for a paycheck. You know, except for porn actors. But Carey isn’t a porn actor; he’s just sold himself out on The Price Is Right (and Power of 10) and now has to daily fake not feeling like a whore in front of the cameras. He smiles and shuffles about, mutters “man” a lot, and generally looks as confused as someone on pain meds -- and, who knows, maybe he is? Of course, this could all be his growing pains. Perhaps the actor/comedian just hasn’t adjusted to this sort of hosting gig, right?

Yeah, I’d buy that if I didn’t know how good he was at improv on something like Whose Line Is It Anyway?

No, I think the real problem is that Drew Carey took a job in which he can’t act like Drew Carey. He also took a job dealing with people he looks down upon. From what I’ve seen, he makes fun of contestants, and says things like, “Any day, Joyce,” when they’re confused. And he genuinely seems disinterested in their excitement at having won things like new SUVs. Their leaping about, despite how it’s encouraged by the show the guy works for, leaves him squirming.

On top of this, he also mocks the prizes these peasant people try so hard to win. For example, when his announcer explains the benefits of a new double oven that cooks “different foods at different temperatures,” Carey responds with a condescending, “That’s one of the thrills of having an oven? How about that.” The jackass is probably okay sounding like that since, in the time it took him to belittle the item his contestants were bidding frantically on, he made enough to buy fifty of them.

This is all a long way of saying that Drew Carey is no Bob Barker and, if his attitude doesn’t change, his producers on The Price Is Right should start thinking about a replacement as soon as his current contract is up. Hell, maybe Barker is still reconsidering his retirement…

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