Oh, sure, while all the rest of the Film.com crew is off in Park City hobnobbing with celebs and going to parties, I'm stuck at home going to interminable press screenings of dross like The Hitcher and Smokin' Aces. No, that's fine, guys -- you all go on to Utah without me. I'll be okay.

Anyway, I had to do something to entertain myself during the ordeal that was Smokin' Aces, so I started doing some math. This kind of math:

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels X Pulp Fiction / Midnight Run + Ocean's 11 - everything great about those films = Smokin' Aces.

Whoever said math ain't a blast never did this kind of math. Look, it's easy:

The Lord of the Rings + The Chronicles of Narnia + Superman Returns + Harry Potter X an utter lack of shame or dignity - several dozen IQ points = Epic Movie.

(This is all pure guesswork based upon trailers, TV ads, and memories of clawing my eyes out during the Scary Movie movies, which came from the same "creative" team. Epic Movie did not, of course, screen for critics.)

That Barbie doll who complained that math is hard mustn't have been a film critic. More:

Robert Louis Stevenson's Kidnapped / Santa Claus Conquers the Martians + Ransom - Roger Corman's radar for the exploitive = Alpha Dog.

Try this at home, kids! It's fun!

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