I've been hoodwinked. Bamboozled. Cheated. When my editor Ted first asked me to cover a season of Dallas I thought it would be a fun, kitschy trip to the past, revisiting one of the biggest phenomena of my youth. Little did I know that after 30 episodes and almost 24 hours of my life (including two hours for the final episode, an all-out shock fest), what I'd been watching all along was actually Season 7. For those not in the know, the original Season 7 -- released on DVD as Season 8, with the original miniseries counting as the first season -- ends with the beginning of the most famous (and longest) dream sequence in television history.

A seemingly successful attempt to kill J.R. Ewing (Larry Hagman -- remember the "who shot J.R." craze?) turns out to be the accidental shooting of the handsome and hunky knight in shining armor, Bobby (Patrick Duffy). Thirty taut episodes follow, raising the suspense with question after question: Will Bobby survive? Will Bobby get his sight back? Will Pam (Victoria Principal) find out her dead husband is really alive? Will Bobby prove his fiancé's innocence? And, finally, who will Bobby choose to wed -- the ex-wife or the ex-fiancé?

Go ahead. Snicker all you want. I did too. At first. Hell, I laughed out loud. Really, I asked my editor. Dallas? Bring it on. That'll be a hoot! Turns out it was, but in a different way than I'd imagined. As a show, Dallas is FAR from perfect. It was so influential and edgy in its day that it now seems not just dated, but downright ludicrous at times. The hairstyles, the clothes and the sets are so old, so hyper-stylized, that many of them have actually gone out of style, come back and gone out again. Other stylistic touches, like the ridiculously brazen shoulder pads or the cheap wood paneling in the offices, are so far removed in time that they seem positively alien today. And the story-telling techniques, particularly the methods of catching the audience up and filling the all too common story-free minutes, are laugh-out-loud funny.

There are entire episodes in which only three things actually happen; for the rest of those shows, everyone is just asking everyone else whether they've heard about what's happened yet. Followed by a recap. And if that weren't cheesy enough, imagine the fact that all the characters needed to do to keep up with the Ewings was to turn on a radio. Apparently in the '80s Dallas was such a boring town that even classical music stations interrupted Beethoven to share the most trivial of the family's happenings. And I dare you not to laugh when Bobby Ewing -- just two days out of the hospital, shot twice through the abdomen and once through the cheek -- appears in the pool wearing a Speedo without a scratch on his gloriously ripped, iconic '80s body. If that doesn't elicit a giggle, wait till you see the poses he strikes while standing...

But despite how goofy it is, despite how trashy it is, I gotta admit, I was hooked just four episodes in. It was enthralling. I knew what I was watching wasn't GOOD. I knew it wasn't classic, hard-boiled television on the cutting edge. I knew that I shouldn't be enjoying it. But I was. I loved it. I was eating up every deliciously campy episode with a spoon, right out of the carton. I blew through 24 hours of episodes in roughly two days. Cliffhanger after cliffhanger.

And then the cliffhanger to end all cliffhangers. A stunner of a season ending that you just can't believe. The death of a Ewing. But even after two stays in the hospital, two court cases, two attempts on J.R.'s life, two long-lost relatives, two marriages, and the pursuit of a hit man who might be able to free one of the Ewings, this season-ender didn't shock America as much as the final episode of the next season. Which revealed that it was all a dream.

That's right, Season 8 leads to the infamous dream sequence that forever gave dream sequences a bad name -- and ultimately crippled the show's ratings. You don't pull a Dallas anymore. But one got pulled on me. How was I to know the one season I'd watch would be that one? Sigh. You know what? The ending? Dream or not, I wouldn't take it back. It was delicious. Bring on Season 9, Ted. The dream season. Bring it on.

Season 8 is available on DVD now, available at Warner Bros. Online.

C. Robert Cargill - - - Email Me

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