It's that special day of the year when everyone is legally mandated to help out the economy with the purchase of chocolate and flowers (I prefer the sunflower). Since I need to mark the occasion in some manner, I've decided to break down the flaws almost every romantic comedy has. So, if you're currently filming a romantic comedy or are planning to at some time in the future, you should take heed.

Mistakes Rom-Coms Make

1) The "We love each other" montage:
You know exactly what I'm talking about. The couple meets, has four lines of dialogue and then are shown sailing, golfing, and learning to dance the cha-cha. A sight gag will be included where they both laugh at each other. In real life you never ever have a soundtrack (apologies to Thus Spake Drake), although if I did I would insist Cameron Crowe create it. Quick aside: If you know Cameron Crowe, please tell him I would like to either interview him or butler for him. Words won't suffice for my love for that man's movies.

2) The forced conflict:
Try these steps. Check the running time of the movie you are headed to. Figure out when you're 20 minutes away from the end. Note the conflict so that the couple can get back together. Usually the argument has something to do with a misunderstanding, and it's never about one of the people murdering someone (which would be an actual conflict). In the end, everyone comes around and says they're sorry and they promise never to do it again, even though it was forgetting a birthday which was indicative of a larger sign or some other such nonsense. Clearly, this phenomenon makes me angry.

3) The couple that would never be together:
I'm sure there is a world where Kate Winslet and Jack Black are a couple. But we haven't reached that world as we are still traveling below the speed of light. Also, on that world they use papaya as currency. This would prove problematic.

4) Horrific dialogue (Your leads shouldn't ever say the following things):
"I think our love can do anything we want it to."
"I love everything about you. The way you do your hair. They way you smile when you think no one is watching."
"Before I met you it was like I was sleepwalking!"
"I'm not going to hurt you like he did. Don't you get it? I'm different, we're different!"
"I love you."

Okay, on that last one it's clear I come from a broken home, but my point is still valid on the rest of them.

5) Almost any kind of singing or music related forgiveness scene:
Two exceptions: Jack Black in High Fidelity and Rupert Everett in My Best Friend's Wedding.

6) The quirky friend:
You know the one. He's the guy who eats snails exclusively or the girlfriend who only dates guys who are professional fire eaters. This character only exists so that the main couple can say, "Hey, at least we're not that half-wit." I hate this quirky friend because in real life they'd be considered legitimately mentally ill. You'd want to help these lost souls, not create the perfect relationship in comparison with the wreckage of their lives.

7) The faulty premise:
C'mon, we're all horribly and painfully alone and any script that dictates otherwise is just hogwash. Ha! I've just always wanted to write that, sorry.

I think you get the idea. Lastly I'd like to point out the obvious flaws in a few of the world's favorite romantic comedies. Yes, I'm like a scrooge, but with Valentine's Day.

Pretty Woman: When does one date a prostitute? It's insane that everyone loves that movie. Could you establish trust with someone who sold their body to the night?

Shallow Hal: If someone is seeing things that aren't there, that's not good. Medication would be in order.

Evita: Hey, how did this get in here? I actually love Evita and I'm not going to hide it anymore.

The Notebook: Don't send me hate mail. Just don't. Her mom stole her mail for a year. She never ONCE checked the mail!

Forest Gump: Therapists would call this an unhealthy relationship. Forest should have dropped that zero and gotten with a hero.

Whew, I'm spent. Thanks for the memories, y'all. Catch you on the flip side, daddio.

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